Ups and Downs

Hi, all!

Happy Monday! How are you all doing today? I’m doing okay, last week was incredibly busy and filled with many ups and downs. Honestly, I’m really glad that it’s a new week and I get to start fresh. This week my goal is to not eat out at all and eat at or a little below my calorie goal each day. I really need to get my nutrition under control and begin making healthier choices every day.

I began last week by doing quite well, Sunday and Monday my calories were quite low and Tuesday I was about 100 under my goal. At that point, I was feeling good about myself and how well I was doing, but then that changed on Wednesday. I had a long day of class and I talked to my best friend when I got home and then I was feeling sort of hungry. Instead of grabbing one of the snacks I keep in the house for occasions such as this, I went online and ordered a big pizza and a few other things. I ate a little of it that night but saved the rest of it for the next day. On Thursday, I was feeling really down about what I had done the night before and wanted to just throw the food away but I can’t really afford to do that. So, I came up with a plan to eat the food that I had bought but make it fit into my calorie range. That planned worked until the afternoon because I had an incredibly stressful morning and then I let my stress take over and I pigged out on the pizza. That day, I ate 7 slices of large pizza and then I had a few other things in the evening. I honestly don’t know how many calories I ate that day but it happened. Friday I decided to start fresh and I did well, I was about 160 calories under my goal for the day. Saturday came around and I was having a fantastic day, I was ahead on my to-do list, my dinner was in the slow cooker and I was on track to being at or under my calorie goal for the day. Around 4 PM I was starting to get hungry and again, instead of grabbing a snack I ordered some food. I ate more than I needed to again and felt unsatisfied after. At that point, I saw how easily my nutrition was consumed by my stress and boredom, so now I’m trying to focus more on my nutrition and making healthier choices.

The few days that I ate too much led me to gain weight for the week. Yesterday I weighed myself and I wasn’t happy with what I saw. I gained a pound last week because of a few bad choices. Last week I sabotaged myself, which is hard to admit but it’s the truth. This needs to stop, now. I know that I won’t be perfect with my nutrition all the time and sometimes I’ll make unhealthy food choices and that’s okay. The thing that I’m trying to do right now is have more healthy days than unhealthy. When I do have an unhealthy day, I am going to try and not eat so much. I went and got groceries yesterday and I made sure to grab a few different types of snacks, so that if I am craving a certain thing that I can eat a little of it and not binge on it.

Well, this is where I am signing off. I have class tonight and I have a few things to get done this afternoon before I leave. I hope that you all have an amazing week! Until next time!
~Sara~

2016, New Year, New Me

Hi, all!

Happy Thursday! How are you all? I haven’t written in so long, so I’m not sure if anyone is still listening. My last post was in August, which means it’s been five months. Honestly, though, I haven’t been posting regularly since the end of May/beginning of June. There are a variety of reasons that I haven’t posted in so long, including that grad school has kept me insanely busy and that sometimes things simply were not going well, so I didn’t post. I have definitely had my ups and downs over the past five months, no doubt about it. My winter break just ended and so many times I thought about posting. I had all of these thoughts in my head about what to say, but I never wrote them down. My problem is that I have so much to say and sometimes I don’t know how to articulate those thoughts.

On Monday, I returned to Seattle after spending 3 weeks in Wisconsin with my family for my winter break. It was a wonderful trip, I didn’t realize how much I missed my family until I saw them again, it was definitely bittersweet coming back and having to leave again. After being back with my family for a few weeks, I realize that after I graduate, I may want to return to Wisconsin to work. The time that I have to make this decision is far from now, so I definitely have some time, however, it is something that I will be thinking about a great deal.

Yesterday, I began my second quarter of grad school. It is hard to believe that I’m a quarter closer to being done, only 10 quarters left. I know that my time at SPU will go by quickly and I need to learn as much as I can from my professors and colleagues. It seems like I just started college and here I am with an associate’s degree, bachelor’s degree and working toward my master’s degree, time flies. Honestly, it feels like I just graduated from high school and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. At the same time, it feels like high school was so long ago, which, depending on your definition of long, it has been. By the end of this school year, I will have been out of high school for 8 years, which is a scary thought. Nevertheless, here I am almost 8 years later, in grad school, with two degrees under my belt already. Life is definitely a journey.    

Now it’s time in this ridiculously long post, to share some of the not so positive things that have happened over the past five months. I wish that I could say that everything in my life is perfect and that I stayed on track with my fitness and nutrition over the past months. Sadly, I need to report the exact opposite. I have not made healthy food choices and I have done a very little exercise. This has caused me to gain back all of the weight that I lost and then some. It is really hard for me to admit this but my weight is up to 321, a new high. I promised myself that I would never see a ‘3’ as the first number of my weight again, but here I am. For a while, I simply stopped caring and let my food cravings take over. I didn’t step on the scale and I avoided looking at my body, besides seeing if my clothing looked okay. Then when I was in Wisconsin, I went to the doctor and I had to step on the scale. I knew that I hadn’t been doing well but I never thought that I would have gained so much weight. When I saw that number on the scale I almost cried because never in my life did I imagine that I would weigh 321 pounds. At the rate I was going, I was just killing myself slowly.

To be honest, I have been really struggling with my food choices. Food has taken over my life again and it is so hard to try and stop. There have been days where I would try to make healthier food choices and I did for part of the day but then toward the end, I was just so hungry. It goes to show how many calories I had been eating, though, it was a very high number. So, I am now trying to plan out meals that are lower in calories and have healthy ingredients. I am hoping that if I eat lower calories foods I’ll be able to eat more of them and that will trick my body into not being so hungry. For Christmas, my mom gave me her old crock pot, so I’m searching for a lot of healthy recipes. I know that doing some meal planning will help me each day and also will help me when I am grocery shopping. I’m hoping that it will help me stop buying all these foods that I don’t need for my meals.

I have written out some weekly, monthly and yearly goals, so that is a step in the right direction. At this point, I’m not going to share my specific goals because some of them are quite personal, but I will share my major goals. I need to simply make healthier food choices, reduce my calories and start working out more again. My most important goal is to break the unhealthy habits that I have created. If I don’t break these habits, my health will deteriorate. My health and life are more important and precious than the foods I desire.

Well, there you have it, I have shared everything that I need to. Life is about to get busy again because my classes have started up again, but I promise that I will start posting on a regular basis. I don’t know how many people read my posts but I hope that my honesty can help at least one person continue on with their journey. If nothing else, sharing what I am going through helps to keep me accountable and that is definitely something that I need. This is a long and hard journey and I need to keep myself going strong along the way. I hope that you all are having an absolutely wonderful beginning to your new year! This New Year is a clean slate for each of us and we can start over. Honestly, I believe that each day is a new beginning and we can become whoever we wish to be, all it takes is a little hard work and perseverance. We can do this! I promise that I’ll post again soon. Until next time!

~Sara~ 

Busy

Hi all!

Happy Thursday! How are you all today? It is a little cloudy here and cooler, but it is beautiful in its own way. I cannot believe it is Thursday already, this week is going by very quickly.

Things have been insane lately, I've been busy with my homework, so my stress level is quite high. I am still not all that hungry and forcing myself to eat, which is causing me to eat unhealthy sometimes and not actually counting calories. Plus a few days ago, I got foot and mouth disease, so I can barely walk and is leaving me in pain. Hopefully it will clear up within a few days and I'll be able to walk again without issue.

I am really happy to say that I am ahead in my homework this week. All I have left are 5 discussion responses and a video journal. I'm planning on doing my video journal today, along with all my discussion responses, if possible. Can I be this far ahead every week? So, I'll be researching for my finals after this weeks work is done, plus getting a head start on next weeks stuff. Next week I do have quite a bit to do, so I'll have to be working really hard again.

On a happier note, I am really enjoying that books that I have for my classes. They are incredibly interesting, so that makes it easier to do my weekly readings. Well I think it is time to go and keep working on my schoolwork. Hopefully I'll be able to post again soon. I hope that you all have a wonderful day. Until next time!

~Sara~

Busy - Quick Post

Hi all!

Happy Wednesday! How are you all doing today? I am pretty good today, plus I adore the weather. It truly looks like fall here, leaves have changed color and are falling to the ground, plus the weather has been between 40 and 60. This is my absolute perfect weather and I wish it could be like this all year round.

This week I am trying my hardest to complete all of this weeks work, plus put the finishing touches on my final and maybe get a head start on my week 1 assignments for next week. My goal today is to finish my paper's outline and then write out some, if not all, of my paper. Let's hope that I can get that done today because it would be awesome to finish my final tomorrow and still have 3 days to get a head start on next sessions assignments. This morning I wrote out all of week 1's assignments and looking at it this way is relieving my stress a bit, for which I am thankful. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of things to do (3 discussions, 3 discussion responses, 3 journals, 3 written assignments, and reading 15 chapters in various books). So, working ahead is pretty crucial.

Yesterday I bought all of my books for the spring semester and I saved a ton of money. Thank God for other places having the books that I need because I would have spent $450 on my books but instead I only paid $208. I saved more money than I spent and that is a beautiful thing. :)

I am going to cut this really short because of my homework. I hope that you all have a wonderful day. So until next time!

~Sara~

Quick Update

Hi all!

Happy Tuesday! How are you all today? I'm doing okay, a little stressed out. Sorry I've been absent lately, life has been crazy lately and its taking its toll on me. I'm trying to stay positive and calm through it all though. What are you all going to do to make today wonderful?

I am on the 8th day of not having an appetite and it sucks! Every day I have to force myself to eat at every meal and during the day, I don't realize that I need to eat until my hands get so shaky that I am unable to continue working until I eat. I've told my mom about this problem and she says that she wouldn't be complaining about not having an appetite. Sure, I would love if my normal appetite wasn't quite so big but it's really difficult when I'm not hungry all day and I have to force myself to eat. It's honestly really frustrating and I'm really tired of it, this is just adding to my current stress level.

Yesterday I was able to register for classes and while I am excited about it, I realize just how busy the next month an a half will be. I'm trying to finish up my current class, I have one paper and my final left. Thankfully my final is almost done already and I'm working on the outline for my other paper. But next session is going to be ridiculously busy, I'm taking 3 classes in 5 weeks. Yesterday all of the classes opened and I was able to write out all of the homework. So I made a chart and it takes up two pages, that's how much work I have to do. I'll barely have time to do anything besides homework, I'm trying really hard to stay calm about it and not stress out even more but it's proving difficult. Hopefully I'll get all of this weeks work done early, so I can get a head start on next sessions work.

On a happier note, my grad school application has everything sent in now and I'm waiting on the school to review it. So hopefully within the next few months, I'll know for sure if I got accepted or not. I just pray that I get accepted because that will be a huge stress off my shoulders.

I need to cut this off here though because I have a ton to get done. I hope that you all have a wonderful day. So until next time!

~Sara~ 

Frustration and Stress Sickness

Hi all!

Happy Wednesday! How are you all today? It's a bit dreary here and it has been most of the week (I don't really mind it though). I am SO enjoying these temperatures though, highs mostly in the 50s this week. This is absolutely my perfect weather. :) How are all of your weeks going?

Yesterday was just a negative day, all around. Some time after I ate breakfast yesterday morning, I begin feeling extremely fatigued, a much lowered appetite, and just completely off. I had to force myself to eat lunch by 1 pm and I was not hungry for dinner until close to 7 pm. Along with that, I just had no energy and I just wanted to lay in bed all day and just rest. It was really strange but then around 4:30 pm I understood why, a migraine came on quickly. After I took something to hopefully take the migraine away, my appetite was back and the fatigue was gone. It was all good and bad, I'm glad the fatigue was gone but my appetite could have not come back full steam.

I was in a much better mood this morning after I woke up, thankfully. So I got ready for my day and then went to have some breakfast and I realized that someone has been eating/drinking my breakfast foods. Welcome frustration! I honestly don't mind sharing my breakfast foods and I can make adjustments or replace foods but it drinks me up a wall when people eat 2 or 3 days worth of the food. Go ahead, have a serving of my food, but please leave it at that! Most of my foods only last me exactly 2 weeks and I can only go shopping every 2 weeks. The waffles that were eaten are easily replaced, I can have toast instead but my tomato juice does not have a replacement. Someone drank 4 servings of my tomato juice, where this was suppose to last me all week, only lasted 3 days! I'm just frustrated now and I'm trying really hard to not let it get to me.

All of this current stress and upcoming stress is catching up to me, I'm starting to get physical reactions to the stress. I do not have the time and energy to deal with these physical reactions, there is way too much to do. Hence why the physical reactions are occurring, but that is beside the point. :) Next week is my last official relaxation week until December, so I'm trying to work ahead some this week. If I'm able to complete things earlier this week, then I can begin next weeks work as well. And then when next week comes, I can put the finishing touches on my final and actually get a head start on my classes that will be just starting. So, I'm trying to work ahead, so I can continue working ahead. Part of me wants the rest of this week and next week to go by slowly but at the same time I want them to go by quickly. More or less, I just want to get though next session quickly, with 3 A's and then have a month break before the craziness starts again.

Well I'm going to stop here because I have a lot to get done today. So I hope that you all have a wonderful day. Until next time!

~Sara~

Insanity

Hi all!

Happy Friday! How are you all doing on this beautiful day? What are you going to do to make the end of this week great? I started out by reading for an hour and a half and then got in a small workout while my coffee and breakfast was being made. That's the joy of walking, I can just throw on my HRM and still do other things while getting in a workout. :) Now I'm eating my breakfast, drinking my coffee, listening to my playlist and writing to all of you.

I was speaking to my parents during dinner last night and I was telling them about my Spring semester for school. She said something that really helped me. I realized that I'm already stressing out about everything and it's not even here yet. This is an insanely bad thing and it needs to stop. I just need to relax and let things happen. *But stressing is one of the things I do best* This is one of my main problems, I stress over things that I cannot control or that will workout just fine. I'm one of those people who always accomplishes everything that needs to be done, by the date that it needs to be done. No matter how much there is to do, I always get it done. Although things feel a bit overwhelming currently, I know that I'll get everything done because I always do.

Oh and I have officially lost my sanity... I added my final two classes needed for graduation to my fall schedule. So starting on the 27th of this month, I'll be taking three classes. It is going to be insanely busy 6 weeks but thankfully I'll have 5 weeks off before starting my final semester. And yes, that means that I'll officially be done by the end of the spring semester instead of the end of summer.

So there is my news and rant of the day :) But it's time to go and finish my outline for my paper and actually get to writing it, along with answering other people's discussions. I hope that you all have a wonderful day. Until next time!

~Sara~

Honesty and Stress

Hi all!

Happy Thursday! How are you all doing today? It's a beautiful October day here in Wisconsin, the weather has been wonderful lately. :)

I need to be honest about something... I have not been doing well nutritionally upon returning from my mini-vacation. In the mornings, I always say that today is a new day and I'll do better today but then in the evening, I eat more than I should be eating. Honestly, I am extremely disappointed in myself for this but it is what it is. For me, posting this blog is the first step in getting back on track. I can tell myself over and over that I'll get back on track today but if I don't hold myself accountable and tell others, then it is extremely easy to push it back to tomorrow. So today I am holding myself accountable to stay on track.

I think that one of the reasons that I may be like this is because I was able to pre-plan my next semester classes and I'll be able to register for them in 11 days. Next semester is going to kill me, it'll be the hardest one of my undergrad degree. I'm taking 5 classes, Research Methodology (ugh!!), Personal and Social Ethics, Interpersonal Relations, Abnormal Psychology and Integration of Psychology and Theology. Those classes in general aren't bad but I have to take 3 classes during block 2 (the second class session) and 2 during block 3 (the third class session). Research Methodology is a 10-week course that I'm starting in block 1 but it continues into block 2 and that's what is making things difficult. I'm stressing out about it already. I've taken this many classes before but the first time it was on accident and it was quite difficult. I don't really have much of a choice in the matter though because I was either going to have to take at least 4 classes in the Spring semester or the Summer semester (which is my final one). All I can say is, Lord help me! I know I'll get through all these classes because I always do, but I won't have much of a life from February to April. Oh the joy of being a student. The positive thing, I'll only have 2 classes left to take during the summer. I'm hoping and praying that they'll be available otherwise I'm not sure what I'll do. But the light is at the end of the tunnel for my undergrad degree. On a happier note, I submitted my graduation application yesterday. :)

Yesterday I came across a variety of  fitness videos that I'm looking forward to trying out. I'm excited, there are videos on kickboxing, walking, strength training, other toning, HIIT, low-impact, and many other kinds. Right now I'm only allowed to do the walking ones but I'm pretty psyched for them all. :)

Well I'm off to work on my homework for a bit, then lunch and then trying out one of the new walking workouts that I found. I hope you all have a wonderful day. Until next time!

~Sara~

Short Update

Hi all!

How are you all doing today? Things have been a bit stressful here but I'm getting by. I have been struggling with evening snacking the past few nights, but today is a new day. Plus I have been having some migraines, so that has been affecting my schoolwork a bit. I am trying really hard to work through all these stressful situations and not over eat too much. It is one day at a time and thankfully I have been keeping up with my fitness.

This post is going to be ridiculously short today because I need to finish the outline for my paper and write it, then get started on my final. The rest of this week and next week are going to be crazy busy, so I'm working hard to not get overly stressed. But I just wanted to check-in. I hope that you all have a wonderful day! Until next time!

~Sara~

Quick Update (Day 596)

Hi all!

Happy Friday! How are you all doing today? Sorry this post is coming so late... I've had very little ambition today. And finally late this afternoon I decided to get some ambition , so I started working on one of my papers that are due on Sunday. But sadly, I'm having writer's block... this all started yesterday and is still sticking around. I'm really hoping that it will subside soon though because I really do need to get these papers done.

Well my doctor finally called me back today and thankfully all my test results came back normal. It still doesn't really explain some of the issues I'm having but it may just be related to stress. So now I'm trying to de-stress a little (not an easy task at the moment) and I can get back to my normal routine on Monday. That means back to exercising, thank God! :)

I'm still feeling quite down... it's a rut and I don't know how to get out of it. Everyday I wake up and have a positive attitude but it's not seeming to help. So I'm doing a lot of praying and sooner or later I will get through this. I would appreciate any thoughts and prayers that you all could offer. Here is a picture that I posted on my FB page the other day and I'm really trying to do this now.

But I should really get back to my papers and push through it. I hope you all have a wonderful evening! So until next time.

~Sara~

Time to be honest (Day 541)

Hi all!

Happy Saturday! It's finally the weekend, we've made it. :) Any plans for the weekend? It's sunny now that it's the afternoon, but it was snowy and dreary this morning. What's the weather by you like? Tomorrow is weigh-in day, I'm pretty excited about it (not sure if that's good or bad). I have done well this week with my nutrition and exercise so I should see a drop on the scale. I'm really hoping to finally hit the 30 pound mark (I need to lose .4 pounds to reach that). I've hit that mark once before but I gained weight again after, but I'm bound and determined to reach that mark and keep on going. I know I can do it this time!

Before I really talk about anything else I want to be honest about something. Last night I did not do very well. Stress, stress, stress. Gotta love it. I stress ate and didn't log it, but it wasn't a ton. I had maybe 400 calories worth of food but I had over 400 calories left that I could eat. I'm not going to worry about it too much. Plus I would still have been within my carb/fat/protein levels as well. Today I'm doing quite well though, maybe a little too well. My mom and I went out for lunch today before we went shopping, we decided to go to Subway. So I had a yummy salad and some apples, plus 1 tiny bite of a cookie that my mom bought. I'll make sure to eat something more caloric and everything else for dinner.

I was able to talk to Abid for almost an hour this morning, so that was quite exciting. :) He sent me a few more pictures, and he is way to handsome (in my book :) ). Yup, this is the love of my life. The man I cannot wait to marry. :) His hair is getting a little shaggy but he's still handsome. He is way too good to me. Even when we are only Skyping, he is such a sweetheart. Plus just listening to him talk makes my heart happy (I love his accent), especially when he's talking in Urdu. Oh goodness.... but I digress. Needless to say, he's very much my type and I love him way, way too much. :)

Time to go get ready for church and then finishing up my homework for the week. I hope that you all have a wonderful afternoon/evening. So until next time.

~Sara~

Year 1 Day 158 (Day 523)

Hi all!

How is everyone doing today? I want/need to be completely honest with all of you today. Last night was horrendous, to say the least. I ate a little too much around dinner (this isn't the horrendous part), so I went up to my room a little before 7 because my shows start then. I was upstairs watching my shows and working on some homework when all of a sudden I just burst into tears. My stress is getting to me again. The homework load is piling up (which I don't mind) and that's not what I'm worried about. But I haven't talked to Abid in 4 days and haven't seen him on Skype in 3 weeks. And it's definitely getting to me. For about 30 minutes I was talking to myself, saying how food will not make me feel better. But I gave in, I went down stairs and got a big bowl of ice cream. And you know what, it did make me feel better then. Then I cried some more and fell asleep.

Today is a new day, but right after I woke up I was still feeling upset. Part of me just wanted to go eat a lot, but I stopped myself. So instead I went and checked my email/Facebook/school dashboard. As I have stated in a past post, I get a verse of the day from my favorite radio station. Today's verse was absolutely perfect for how I'm feeling. Isaiah 40:31, "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." The beginning part of the verse is what really hit me, I do have hope in the Lord and He is my strength. God will get Abid and I through this time apart, and this will only strengthen our relationship. As much as I hate being apart and how hard it is for me, I know that Abid is experiencing the same things. When I get upset like I was last night, I can't help but feel that it's easier for him. Deep down inside, I know he struggles with it as much as I do.

I found this picture this morning and it describes how I'm feeling perfectly. I do fail, and I will continue to fail. But I'm not quitting, not this time. There is this awesome blog that I follow KTJ Weighing In (check out her blog, she is wonderful and so motivational!) she wrote an awesome post today about recovering from a slip up. If you've ever slipped up (and lets be honest, we all have), check out this post. She wrote about 5 steps on how to recover from a slip up from the book, Finally Thin by Kim Bensen. I really want to read this book because I've heard so many positive things about it. I've been pondering on those 5 steps this morning, most of them I can do, but the first one I can't. The first step is to get rid of all of the unhealthy/junk food that isn't on your eating plan. Well I obviously can't do that because I'm not the one who controls what we buy or don't buy. And I'm pretty sure that my dad would be super angry with me if I threw out his chips, crackers, and ice cream. I've asked my mom many times to not buy chips, cookies, ice cream, cracker, ect... She has stopped buying the cookies but she comes up with excuses to why she needs to continue buying the other items. "Dad will be upset if we don't have chips in the house" (which is quite true) "But I always crave those crackers" (so instead of buying 1 box, she buys 3) "When the kids come over, they always want ice cream" (which is true, but that means we have to buy 2 or 3 big containers of ice cream at 1 time?!?) It really drives me crazy. If those foods weren't in the house, I wouldn't eat them. I need to work on my will power when it comes to those foods and I'll get better at it. Right now I'm just trying to take it one day at a time, one meal at a time.

But it's time to get a little homework done before I have to start dinner. So until next time.

~Sara~

Year 1 Day 145 (Day 510)

Hi all. How's everyone doing today? Honestly, I'm doing pretty crappy. I'm very emotional and lonely, I have been the past week or so. At first when I thought about blogging today, I was just going to say screw it, but obviously I've decided against it. I didn't want to annoy everyone with what I'm going through but I know that I need to let my emotions out or I will just bottle them up inside and sooner or later I'll explode (figuratively, of course). It's happened in the past and I don't want it to happen again. I'm the type of person who is very emotional but I don't like to let my emotions show to most people. Usually, I try to be the strong, happy person that I always am. I don't like to show weakness because I grew up with a very anti-emotion father. Don't get me wrong, I love my father and he can be awesome but he doesn't know how to show his emotion except by getting angry and storming off. So when I was growing up, I didn't show my emotion that often and I'm still like that to this day. Half the time I don't even like to have my fiancé see me when I'm emotional (it's something that I'm working on because he wants us to be open with each other on every front). 

It's no surprise why I'm so emotional and lonely. I miss Abid and that's that. We talk on the phone every day but it's not for long, maybe 10 minutes if we're lucky. It's hard going from talking to at least 2 hours every day down to 10 minutes at a time. And not being able to see him is killing me inside. I'm really trying to be supportive of him and his decision to take this job but it sucks for me. I hate feeling like this because I'm being so selfish and I know that Abid is doing what he feels is best for us. I do trust his judgement but it's very hard. There are so many things that I don't understand and I don't think I ever will. I am still thankful that we are able to talk on the phone most days and that I know he is doing fine. This morning Abid's phone call woke me up, and as much as I wanted more sleep, I couldn't think of a better way to start my day, than talking to the man I love. But I also talked to his friend for a minute and it was nice because he told me that he's taking care of Abid and making sure he's okay. Plus, he told me who much Abid talks about me and how much he loves me. :) Don't get me wrong, I know how much Abid loves me, but it's nice to hear someone else saying it who is around him. 

I've been eating emotionally because of all of this and after the fact, I feel horrible. But of course, later in the day or night I eat because I'm emotional again. Every morning I wake up telling myself that I will do better today and that I won't eat because I'm emotional or bored. And then every day, I go and eat emotionally again. It's a vicious cycle and I'm starting to hate myself again, this is a step backwards. I was finally happy with myself and the choices I was making and now I feel the exact opposite. So, I need to make a change before it gets worse and I go spiraling backwards. I haven't weighed myself since Sunday but I'm sure I have gained weight this week. But as of this moment, I am going to give it my all to make a change. I need to start wanting this again. Doing this for me and my health. My life is at stake here. And heck, I'm going to be in a wedding in 7.5 months, I wanna look good. :)

I am determined to never go back to how I was before. A girl who weighed in at 315 pounds, with zero self-esteem and hated herself. The girl who thought she was worth nothing. Who thought people would be happier if she just died. Who went from guy to guy because she didn't want to be alone. Who always put on a happy face because she didn't want people to see just how much she hurt inside. 

I'm sorry that I've been so emotional and very whiny/complaining all the time lately. I just don't really have anyone else to turn to in my life because my 2 closest friends live in different states. Plus they each have their own stresses that they are dealing with, and I'm the one that they turn to when they need to talk (just another reason why I feel like I need to appear strong). 

So I've turned the page, it's a brand new chapter and I'm ready to start writing. I do have worth. I love myself. I bring joy to people's lives. I can make a difference in this world. I am worthy of love and respect. (It's time to start really believing this again). Since it's lent, I'm going to give up a few things (I usually don't give up things for lent, but what they heck). I plan to give up most sweets (cookies, cakes, cupcakes, ice cream, etc...). 

I'm having a little emotional dilemma currently. For the longest time, I have had a large yearning to travel and live in another country for a short time. When I first started having this yearning, there was no place in particular that I wanted to visit/live but now I really want to travel by my fiancé and experience life there. And I realize that life would be quite difficult, especially being a woman, but I truly want to do it. Abid has lived in this country his entire life and I really want to have a grasp on what it's like there. I can research and study the country as much as possible but you never really know what it's like until you visit it and experience everything. Now my dilemma is that my family doesn't want me to travel there because it's not the safest country. Believe me, I understand their concerns because I've done research and it can be a scary place. But at the same time, it doesn't scare me and I really do want to experience it. So I don't know what to do. Do I follow my heart or do I make my family happy? I just don't know. I am praying for wisdom and guidance because I have no idea what to do. So please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I make this decision. 

Until next time.

~Sara~

P.S. I'm sorry that I've been such a bad blogger friend lately, I've barely read/commented on any blogs lately. That will be changing soon, promise! 

Year 1 Day 144 (Day 509)

Hi all! How are you all doing today? I went back into the doctor today and he's fairly certain that my pain isn't caused by a ruptured ovarian cyst, but he does this that it may have to do with my sciatic nerve. He is thinking that there is inflammation around the nerve which is causing the pain, so he is starting me on an anti-inflammatory and some pain medication. The only bad thing about the medication is that it will make me very drowsy, so the doctor doesn't want me to be driving while on these medications. That means I'll have to rely on other people to take me to the doctor for the next week or so.

I've got to be honest, the past few weeks I have just done horribly with my nutrition. I know that it probably has to do with the stress, sickness, and pain that I have been experiencing. The sickness and pain, you all know about. But the stress tends to vary from day to day. I've been able to come to terms, to an extent, with Abid not being able to come online. And that being said, it's still a major struggle each day. We do get to talk on the phone a little but it's not really enough. Believe me, I realize that this is probably just as hard on Abid as it is on me, but I'm trying to remain strong. But anyways, this is playing a role in why my nutrition is going off course. It is something that I need to work on, starting now.

Today I was finally able to get all of my books ordered, I wish I would have realized it yesterday when I ordered my other book but it's better late than never. My enrollment counselor told me that I would only need to order a specific book, so yesterday that is the book that I ordered. And today as I was going through my assignment that's due in a few weeks, I realized that I need another book. So I decided to go through all of the assignments and see what books I will all need. There were 3 total books that I needed and now all of them have been ordered. Until I receive my books, I cannot continue to work on my assignments. So I am hoping that my books will arrive here in a few days.

I'm feel very tired from my medication, so I think I'm going to go lay down for a little while. Until next time.

~Sara~