Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Year 1 Day 145 (Day 510)

Hi all. How's everyone doing today? Honestly, I'm doing pretty crappy. I'm very emotional and lonely, I have been the past week or so. At first when I thought about blogging today, I was just going to say screw it, but obviously I've decided against it. I didn't want to annoy everyone with what I'm going through but I know that I need to let my emotions out or I will just bottle them up inside and sooner or later I'll explode (figuratively, of course). It's happened in the past and I don't want it to happen again. I'm the type of person who is very emotional but I don't like to let my emotions show to most people. Usually, I try to be the strong, happy person that I always am. I don't like to show weakness because I grew up with a very anti-emotion father. Don't get me wrong, I love my father and he can be awesome but he doesn't know how to show his emotion except by getting angry and storming off. So when I was growing up, I didn't show my emotion that often and I'm still like that to this day. Half the time I don't even like to have my fiancé see me when I'm emotional (it's something that I'm working on because he wants us to be open with each other on every front). 

It's no surprise why I'm so emotional and lonely. I miss Abid and that's that. We talk on the phone every day but it's not for long, maybe 10 minutes if we're lucky. It's hard going from talking to at least 2 hours every day down to 10 minutes at a time. And not being able to see him is killing me inside. I'm really trying to be supportive of him and his decision to take this job but it sucks for me. I hate feeling like this because I'm being so selfish and I know that Abid is doing what he feels is best for us. I do trust his judgement but it's very hard. There are so many things that I don't understand and I don't think I ever will. I am still thankful that we are able to talk on the phone most days and that I know he is doing fine. This morning Abid's phone call woke me up, and as much as I wanted more sleep, I couldn't think of a better way to start my day, than talking to the man I love. But I also talked to his friend for a minute and it was nice because he told me that he's taking care of Abid and making sure he's okay. Plus, he told me who much Abid talks about me and how much he loves me. :) Don't get me wrong, I know how much Abid loves me, but it's nice to hear someone else saying it who is around him. 

I've been eating emotionally because of all of this and after the fact, I feel horrible. But of course, later in the day or night I eat because I'm emotional again. Every morning I wake up telling myself that I will do better today and that I won't eat because I'm emotional or bored. And then every day, I go and eat emotionally again. It's a vicious cycle and I'm starting to hate myself again, this is a step backwards. I was finally happy with myself and the choices I was making and now I feel the exact opposite. So, I need to make a change before it gets worse and I go spiraling backwards. I haven't weighed myself since Sunday but I'm sure I have gained weight this week. But as of this moment, I am going to give it my all to make a change. I need to start wanting this again. Doing this for me and my health. My life is at stake here. And heck, I'm going to be in a wedding in 7.5 months, I wanna look good. :)

I am determined to never go back to how I was before. A girl who weighed in at 315 pounds, with zero self-esteem and hated herself. The girl who thought she was worth nothing. Who thought people would be happier if she just died. Who went from guy to guy because she didn't want to be alone. Who always put on a happy face because she didn't want people to see just how much she hurt inside. 

I'm sorry that I've been so emotional and very whiny/complaining all the time lately. I just don't really have anyone else to turn to in my life because my 2 closest friends live in different states. Plus they each have their own stresses that they are dealing with, and I'm the one that they turn to when they need to talk (just another reason why I feel like I need to appear strong). 

So I've turned the page, it's a brand new chapter and I'm ready to start writing. I do have worth. I love myself. I bring joy to people's lives. I can make a difference in this world. I am worthy of love and respect. (It's time to start really believing this again). Since it's lent, I'm going to give up a few things (I usually don't give up things for lent, but what they heck). I plan to give up most sweets (cookies, cakes, cupcakes, ice cream, etc...). 

I'm having a little emotional dilemma currently. For the longest time, I have had a large yearning to travel and live in another country for a short time. When I first started having this yearning, there was no place in particular that I wanted to visit/live but now I really want to travel by my fiancé and experience life there. And I realize that life would be quite difficult, especially being a woman, but I truly want to do it. Abid has lived in this country his entire life and I really want to have a grasp on what it's like there. I can research and study the country as much as possible but you never really know what it's like until you visit it and experience everything. Now my dilemma is that my family doesn't want me to travel there because it's not the safest country. Believe me, I understand their concerns because I've done research and it can be a scary place. But at the same time, it doesn't scare me and I really do want to experience it. So I don't know what to do. Do I follow my heart or do I make my family happy? I just don't know. I am praying for wisdom and guidance because I have no idea what to do. So please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I make this decision. 

Until next time.

P.S. I'm sorry that I've been such a bad blogger friend lately, I've barely read/commented on any blogs lately. That will be changing soon, promise! 


  1. Hey Sara! I'm sorry you are having such a sad time right now. You just have to remember who you are and that you are worth sooo very much. I know missing someone you love is hard but sometimes that can put a strain on a relationship too. Find a hobby! Do something that makes your heart sing. Something you can tell Abid about, something that will make him proud of you. And in turn it will make YOU proud of you. :) Hang in there!

  2. I'm sorry you are having an emotional time lately. I think it is good that you are sharing and not bottling it all up. I agree with the previous commenter that maybe keeping busy and becoming involved more with other things may help. As for traveling, I'm really not sure. What does your fiancé think? Safety is very important so this is a trip you really would need to think about. I've never been there so unfortunately I don't have any really valuable advice.

  3. Hey Sara.... Don't ever feel guilty about sharing your feelings on your blog. I have never been a heavy person but I have definitely dealt with self esteem issues and so on but don't allow anyone or anything to get you so stressed that you go back into what you don't want to go back into.

    Know that you are Beautifully and wonderfully made.... I pray that you are strengthen instead of stressed. I pray that you will also have a great week!