Day 3

Hi, all!

It was a scorcher today. I thought it was supposed to be fall now? Thankfully by the middle of next week, it is supposed to be in the 60's, let's hope it stays that way or cools off a little more. Yesterday was another busy day for us, Zak had an appointment right away and then we had to go to the
DMV to get my license changed. Plus, I began working on our thank you cards and did homework. Yesterday was generally a good day for me, I worked out and stayed within my calorie goal again. That is day 2 without a binge.

Moving on to today, it has been a good day. I saw my spinal specialist again for the arthritis and he is looking at doing another injection in my back. The first one I received did not offer any relief, unfortunately, but we are hopeful that this next one will be helpful. One thing that will also hopefully help the arthritis is losing weight. This is something that I am trying hard to stick with because it could reduce my pain. I am proud to admit that as of 7PM, I have not even had a desire to binge. This is day 3 and things are going well. I am so proud of myself. Another stride I made today is that I posted a quote on Instagram about recovering from an eating disorder. This is the first time I have posted publically where my friends and family can see it about my eating disorder. I am overwhelmed by the support that I received.

It is difficult for me to remember sometimes that I do not need as much food as I was having before. Smaller amounts can and will fill me up. My husband and I went to Subway for dinner and I ordered a sub. I ordered the footlong because that is my routine and I have only eaten half of it. I have may the other half later as my evening snack but it all fits into my calorie goal.

Until next time.

~Sara~

New Beginnings

Hi, all!

Yesterday I was feeling incredibly down on myself because of the episode of BED that I had the day before. I am so thankful that each day offers a new beginning. Even though I was feeling down yesterday, I did not let that impact my day. My husband and I had a busy day yesterday, I had my social security card changed and changed my name down at our bank. These things kept me busy for a little while and of course, homework did as well. It is amazing how different one day can be from another. On Tuesday, I ate 4,250 calories, which is difficult to admit. And then yesterday was a completely different day. I ate 1,885 calories and did not feel hungry by the end of the night. My calories from yesterday were around what I was eating regularly before when I was trying to lose weight. The calorie difference between those two days was another days worth of calories. This journey is filled with ups and downs.

I was also honest with my husband about some of my struggles. This is something that I knew needed to be done, I cannot hide these struggles from him. Since I was hiding my struggles from him, he was enabling my eating disorder. He wanted fast food, yeah I'm definitely down for that. He wants snacks, totally okay with that. Something sweet, yes, please! When I was finally honest with him, he has gone away from asking if I want some fast food or snacks or sweets. He will ask if I want anything but he would grab me something healthy if I asked for it. My husband is wonderful, he is so supportive of me making healthier choices and was there for me on Tuesday night when I was feeling down about myself for the BED episode. I am so lucky to have him.

I suppose it is time to get going on homework. Until next time.

~Sara~

Year 1 Day 158 (Day 523)

Hi all!

How is everyone doing today? I want/need to be completely honest with all of you today. Last night was horrendous, to say the least. I ate a little too much around dinner (this isn't the horrendous part), so I went up to my room a little before 7 because my shows start then. I was upstairs watching my shows and working on some homework when all of a sudden I just burst into tears. My stress is getting to me again. The homework load is piling up (which I don't mind) and that's not what I'm worried about. But I haven't talked to Abid in 4 days and haven't seen him on Skype in 3 weeks. And it's definitely getting to me. For about 30 minutes I was talking to myself, saying how food will not make me feel better. But I gave in, I went down stairs and got a big bowl of ice cream. And you know what, it did make me feel better then. Then I cried some more and fell asleep.

Today is a new day, but right after I woke up I was still feeling upset. Part of me just wanted to go eat a lot, but I stopped myself. So instead I went and checked my email/Facebook/school dashboard. As I have stated in a past post, I get a verse of the day from my favorite radio station. Today's verse was absolutely perfect for how I'm feeling. Isaiah 40:31, "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." The beginning part of the verse is what really hit me, I do have hope in the Lord and He is my strength. God will get Abid and I through this time apart, and this will only strengthen our relationship. As much as I hate being apart and how hard it is for me, I know that Abid is experiencing the same things. When I get upset like I was last night, I can't help but feel that it's easier for him. Deep down inside, I know he struggles with it as much as I do.

I found this picture this morning and it describes how I'm feeling perfectly. I do fail, and I will continue to fail. But I'm not quitting, not this time. There is this awesome blog that I follow KTJ Weighing In (check out her blog, she is wonderful and so motivational!) she wrote an awesome post today about recovering from a slip up. If you've ever slipped up (and lets be honest, we all have), check out this post. She wrote about 5 steps on how to recover from a slip up from the book, Finally Thin by Kim Bensen. I really want to read this book because I've heard so many positive things about it. I've been pondering on those 5 steps this morning, most of them I can do, but the first one I can't. The first step is to get rid of all of the unhealthy/junk food that isn't on your eating plan. Well I obviously can't do that because I'm not the one who controls what we buy or don't buy. And I'm pretty sure that my dad would be super angry with me if I threw out his chips, crackers, and ice cream. I've asked my mom many times to not buy chips, cookies, ice cream, cracker, ect... She has stopped buying the cookies but she comes up with excuses to why she needs to continue buying the other items. "Dad will be upset if we don't have chips in the house" (which is quite true) "But I always crave those crackers" (so instead of buying 1 box, she buys 3) "When the kids come over, they always want ice cream" (which is true, but that means we have to buy 2 or 3 big containers of ice cream at 1 time?!?) It really drives me crazy. If those foods weren't in the house, I wouldn't eat them. I need to work on my will power when it comes to those foods and I'll get better at it. Right now I'm just trying to take it one day at a time, one meal at a time.

But it's time to get a little homework done before I have to start dinner. So until next time.

~Sara~