Friday, September 22, 2017

Day 3

Hi, all!

It was a scorcher today. I thought it was supposed to be fall now? Thankfully by the middle of next week, it is supposed to be in the 60's, let's hope it stays that way or cools off a little more. Yesterday was another busy day for us, Zak had an appointment right away and then we had to go to the
DMV to get my license changed. Plus, I began working on our thank you cards and did homework. Yesterday was generally a good day for me, I worked out and stayed within my calorie goal again. That is day 2 without a binge.

Moving on to today, it has been a good day. I saw my spinal specialist again for the arthritis and he is looking at doing another injection in my back. The first one I received did not offer any relief, unfortunately, but we are hopeful that this next one will be helpful. One thing that will also hopefully help the arthritis is losing weight. This is something that I am trying hard to stick with because it could reduce my pain. I am proud to admit that as of 7PM, I have not even had a desire to binge. This is day 3 and things are going well. I am so proud of myself. Another stride I made today is that I posted a quote on Instagram about recovering from an eating disorder. This is the first time I have posted publically where my friends and family can see it about my eating disorder. I am overwhelmed by the support that I received.

It is difficult for me to remember sometimes that I do not need as much food as I was having before. Smaller amounts can and will fill me up. My husband and I went to Subway for dinner and I ordered a sub. I ordered the footlong because that is my routine and I have only eaten half of it. I have may the other half later as my evening snack but it all fits into my calorie goal.

Until next time.


Thursday, September 21, 2017

New Beginnings

Hi, all!

Yesterday I was feeling incredibly down on myself because of the episode of BED that I had the day before. I am so thankful that each day offers a new beginning. Even though I was feeling down yesterday, I did not let that impact my day. My husband and I had a busy day yesterday, I had my social security card changed and changed my name down at our bank. These things kept me busy for a little while and of course, homework did as well. It is amazing how different one day can be from another. On Tuesday, I ate 4,250 calories, which is difficult to admit. And then yesterday was a completely different day. I ate 1,885 calories and did not feel hungry by the end of the night. My calories from yesterday were around what I was eating regularly before when I was trying to lose weight. The calorie difference between those two days was another days worth of calories. This journey is filled with ups and downs.

I was also honest with my husband about some of my struggles. This is something that I knew needed to be done, I cannot hide these struggles from him. Since I was hiding my struggles from him, he was enabling my eating disorder. He wanted fast food, yeah I'm definitely down for that. He wants snacks, totally okay with that. Something sweet, yes, please! When I was finally honest with him, he has gone away from asking if I want some fast food or snacks or sweets. He will ask if I want anything but he would grab me something healthy if I asked for it. My husband is wonderful, he is so supportive of me making healthier choices and was there for me on Tuesday night when I was feeling down about myself for the BED episode. I am so lucky to have him.

I suppose it is time to get going on homework. Until next time.


Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Binge Eating Disorder

Hi, all!

I am feeling really down on myself today. Yesterday was going really well and then intense food cravings hit. I fought against them for probably 30 minutes and then the BED took over. This next part is extremely difficult for me to admit. I ate 1820 calories over my goal... Even with all my exercise calories, I was still 865 calories over. Honestly, I hate BED. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. It is horrible to lose all control over your eating and you cannot stop eating until you literally cannot eat anymore or until the episode is over. This has been my life for a long time and this last episode was the last straw. Today I am going to be calling my doctor and asking for some help. I can no longer do this alone and I need help.

There is not really any more to say about it.

Until next time


Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Day 2

Hi, all!

It is a gorgeous day here in Wisconsin. The next few days are going to be scorchers but then it will cool off and be in the 50's and 60's, which I am incredibly excited for!

Yesterday I made some goals for myself: 
1. Track everything I put in my body
2. Drink water - not soda
3. Workout for 10 minutes, 3 times/day
4. Walk at least 5000 steps

These were the main goals I had and I am happy to say that I achieved them! I tracked everything I ate, even when I did not want to track. In fact, I stuck to my calorie goal! I did not drink any soda. I walked for 31 minutes and had 6,336 steps. All-in-all, day 1 was a success! There were different times when I faced temptation and I succeeded. Honestly, I am proud of myself! 

Today I am giving myself the same goals. I have already faced and surpassed temptation today. My husband wanted to go and get fast food for breakfast, I was close to caving in and having him get me the normal thing I would have chosen. It would have been 1250 calories and there are half of my calories for the day. Instead, I opted for Subway and got a bacon, egg white, and cheese on whole grain flatbread. It was delicious, healthy, and only 370 calories. I added some yogurt and coffee at home to it and it was a wonderful breakfast. 

The rest our day is going to be busy. My husband and I are going and getting a copy of our marriage license. Then tomorrow we can go change my social security card, go to the DMV, and finally change all of my information at our bank and at my school. And of course, I need to continue to work on thank you cards from our wedding. Since we are going to be pretty busy for the next few days, it takes most of my self-control to stop myself from saying that we should just go out and grab food quickly. Instead, I am making healthier food choices. I made a quick and healthy lunch at home before we are heading out. I need to continue to make healthy choices because it will be far too easy to slide back into my old habits. 

Until next time!

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Mental and Physical Health Issues and More Changes

Hello? Is anyone there?

I am so sorry for the five-month gap between posts. My life has been insanely busy since my last post. Let me fill you in on life since April. Zak and I have been here in Wisconsin since February/March. We have been planning our wedding and we got married 8 days ago! I am now married. A wife. I honestly cannot believe it. It is still strange to call Zak my husband now instead of my fiance. Even though it is different, I love it. On top of getting married, we moved into a new house not long before the wedding. So, we are trying to get all of it organized and put together nicely. Zak and I have both also started school. Zak started college and he is going for two associates degrees in Technical Support and Network Support Specialist. And I switched some things around with my schooling, I am now pursuing a Ph.D. in Psychology with a focus in teaching. With that degree, I aspire to become a professor.

Not all of the things that have happened have been happy things, unfortunately. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Severe Panic Disorder, self-diagnosed Binge Eating Disorder, and Arthritis in my lowest vertebrae. The GAD and Panic Disorder are being treated, thankfully. It has been a long road to get to this point in these two diagnoses. In July I was diagnosed with arthritis and it was extremely difficult to hear. I have been in physical therapy since July and recently have seen a Spinal Specialist. I received an injection in my back yesterday, so I am hoping that it will relieve some of the pain. Arthritis has affected me more than any other physical problem has in the past. I still have Fibromyalgia and have been dealing with that for over 10 years now. The Fibromyalgia runs on my mom's side of the family, so it was not as difficult to hear. When I heard the word arthritis though, I was thrown for a loop. I was 26 years old and have a degenerative disease in my vertebrae. And the worst part, being obese for all of my adult life and being heavier while I was growing up probably contributed greatly to that. Let that process for a minute. My weight problems probably contributed to this. Smack in the face, over and over again. After I heard my doctor say those words, I continuously played these "what if" scenarios in my head. What if I had lost the weight and kept it off in 2010-2012, would this have happened? What if I had maintained the weight loss I had in 2012? What if I would have lost the weight in high school? And of course, they why's came too. Why is this happening to me? I already have so many other things on my plate, why is this happening? And more of the like. I have somewhat gotten to the point of acceptance now but the BED, GAD, and Panic all run away with it and use it as an excuse to be depressed and eat my feelings. It is a vicious cycle.

On a happier note, I am now trying to look ahead and move forward. I am taking things one day at a time. One hour at a time. One second at a time. That is all I can do. I have a desire to eat well and work out but these physical and mental health issues make it difficult. One of my problems is that when I cannot workout, then I do not want to eat well. Now that I have had that injection, I am trying to move a little more and I hope that I will be able to make better food choices as well. I have a goal that I desperately want to achieve, by the time I walk across the stage to get the diploma for my Ph.D., I want to be at my goal weight. Even if losing the weight does not take the pain away from arthritis, this is something I want for myself and my husband. I desire to be the best I can be for him, for us. This is something that I will pursue until I attain it.

I hope that my next post will not be so long and far between as last time.

Until next time!


Saturday, April 8, 2017

Losing Weight is Hard

Hi, all!

So, my fitness evaluation needed to be rescheduled for Tuesday. I know it is only a few days away, but I am a little bummed out that I was not able to find out my results. Oh well, that means I have a few more days to work hard. And let me tell you, I have been working incredibly hard. According to my scale at home, I have lost 12.2 pounds in a month. We'll have to see what the scale at the gym says on Tuesday. Either way, I know that I have made progress because I stuck to my nutritional goals 22 out of 32 days. I am sort of ashamed that in March I had 10 days where I either did not count calories, binged, or just went over. Even though I am ashamed of that, it also shows just how hard I worked the other days out of the month. Consistently I saw my weight dropping, that is a fact because on March 7th, I weighed in at 330 pounds and this morning the scale told me 317.8. The results are real.

Losing weight it hard, I will not deny that at all. If it were just an easy thing to do, I would not have topped the scale at 330 pounds, and I would have been able to keep off the 50 pounds I lost before. It is hard, plain and simple. There are days where I do not want to eat healthily, where I would rather just binge on all of my comfort foods. Or have a big bowl of pasta, a whole bag of chips, a huge bowl of ice cream. Or just a bunch of unhealthy but delicious foods from a fast food restaurant. There is nothing wrong with having pasta, chips, ice cream or fast food. Moderation is the key. To be honest, though, there have been days where I have said, 'Screw it,' I'm going to make a big plate of nachos or eat a big bowl of ice cream. Not to mention that some days I do not want to work out and sometimes I don't. This week I worked out all seven days because I wanted to. But other weeks I only work out 4 or 5 times, sometimes less than that because I just don't have the energy for it. The point is, I'm not perfect 100 percentage of the time. It just so happens that this was an excellent week for me. I ate 3,921 calories under my weekly goal. I worked out for a total of 299 minutes. And had a total calorie burn between food and exercise of 9619. If you don't know, that is 2.75 pounds for the week. Some days in March I did not do well at all, but I still was down 6.2 lbs.

Here's what I want you to get from this long drabble, you don't always have to be perfect! Some days will be bad and some good. Some weeks you will lose 2 pounds, and somewhere you will gain them back. Have more good days than bad. Eat all the foods you love in moderation or find healthier replacements that you love even more. Just stick with it, and the results will come. Slow and steady wins the race.

It is finally the weekend. I am still trying to get used to working again. My job may not be all day at this point but I am still trying to get used to being busier. It will get better when I am in my actual work schedule and not my training schedule. This varying schedule is weird but I will be into my actual schedule within the next few weeks. It will be nice to get my first paycheck on Friday though. My next one will be even better though, so I am excited about May 1st.  

Saturday, April 1, 2017


Hi, all!

How are you all? I'm sorry that I haven't posted for the past 2 weeks. It has been a crazy few weeks, honestly. I have been eating right (for the most part), working out at least 4 days a week, figuring stuff out for school, I was hospitalized for 4 days, and I started a new job yesterday. Needless to say, it has been a crazy month for me.

One of the positive parts of my month is that I have consistently been working out, besides when I was in the hospital. I have 663 exercise minutes from the 7th to the 31st, which is from working out 4 or 5 days a week. That is something I am incredibly proud of because I have not worked out in a long time. It has been a few years since I was working out consistently. The last time I was doing this consistently, I lost 75 pounds. Honestly, though, that seems like forever ago because I gained all that weight back plus 15 more pounds.

When my fiance and I joined the gym and had our fitness evaluations, I was shocked by my numbers. How did I let myself get to 330 pounds with 46.8% body fat? Don't get me wrong, I was incredibly happy to see my lean body mass at 177 pounds but having 149 pounds of body fat was something that I was embarrassed about for sure. There I was sitting in a room with my fiance, who is already in the healthy body fat range and our trainer who is in incredible shape. And then there was me, 330 pounds with 46.8% body fat. I honestly never wanted Zak to know how much I weighed because I am incredibly embarrassed by the fact that the number is so high. But, now he knows and still loves me anyway. And now I am doing something about my weight and body fat percentage. I have been keeping track of my weight, caloric intake and my exercise minutes and calories burned. My next fitness evaluation is on the 7th and I am excited to see what my numbers will be, I'm hoping for a decrease of weight and body fat percentage, and an increase in lean body mass. I know that I have lost weight, at least that is what my scale at home says. According to that scale, I have lost around 6 pounds.

I have had a love-hate relationship with my nutrition over the past few weeks. There were 6 days where I binged and did not even track all of my calories. That number is definitely not one that can stay that high. Also, when I was in the hospital, typically I was eating more than I realized and went over my calories. I had 4 days of that but now that I am home again, I am able to correct my eating patterns. Honestly, I am surprised by the amount of my weight loss because of these days.

I've gone on long enough though. I cannot wait to share my results on the 7th. Until next time!