Frustrations

Hi, all!

Today has been rather ify. I started off the morning feeling fantastic because I had made it to 5 days binge free. And I will say that I am still binge free but there was a close call for a few hours earlier today. At around 10AM I went to submit some school work and I found out that I lost everything for this week and the next few weeks. I went into full panic mode and had a rough panic attack. Until around 12:30 I fought off a binge hard. By then I won the battle! I did not binge today and I am so freaking proud of myself. Day 6 binge free is almost complete and I cannot wait to write tomorrow that I am working on 1-week binge free. There have been a few times where I almost gave in today but my mindset is changing. I knew that binging would not change my situation, all of my work would still be lost and I would have just set myself back.

In addition to almost binging, something else that brought my day down some was the fact that I was finally able to weigh myself today. The number on the scale was appalling and I was not expecting it at all. Even thinking about it now is really hard...

Starting Weight: ??

Current Weight: 343.6

Pounds Lost: -

Well, there it is, I am being honest about all of this, even when it is difficult. It is no wonder why my wedding dress didn't fit. I thought that I was around the same weight but apparently I gained 15 pounds. This almost brought me to a binge but instead, I am using it as motivation. I will not let it control me anymore. Losing weight may help to ease some of my arthritis and fibromyalgia pain and that is something that I desperately want. It is difficult but I am determined to finally lose all of this weight and keep it off. 

I am still feeling somewhat down but I am trying to enjoy my evening. Here's to day 6 binge free. Until next time. 

~Sara~

Losing Weight is Hard

Hi, all!

So, my fitness evaluation needed to be rescheduled for Tuesday. I know it is only a few days away, but I am a little bummed out that I was not able to find out my results. Oh well, that means I have a few more days to work hard. And let me tell you, I have been working incredibly hard. According to my scale at home, I have lost 12.2 pounds in a month. We'll have to see what the scale at the gym says on Tuesday. Either way, I know that I have made progress because I stuck to my nutritional goals 22 out of 32 days. I am sort of ashamed that in March I had 10 days where I either did not count calories, binged, or just went over. Even though I am ashamed of that, it also shows just how hard I worked the other days out of the month. Consistently I saw my weight dropping, that is a fact because on March 7th, I weighed in at 330 pounds and this morning the scale told me 317.8. The results are real.

Losing weight it hard, I will not deny that at all. If it were just an easy thing to do, I would not have topped the scale at 330 pounds, and I would have been able to keep off the 50 pounds I lost before. It is hard, plain and simple. There are days where I do not want to eat healthily, where I would rather just binge on all of my comfort foods. Or have a big bowl of pasta, a whole bag of chips, a huge bowl of ice cream. Or just a bunch of unhealthy but delicious foods from a fast food restaurant. There is nothing wrong with having pasta, chips, ice cream or fast food. Moderation is the key. To be honest, though, there have been days where I have said, 'Screw it,' I'm going to make a big plate of nachos or eat a big bowl of ice cream. Not to mention that some days I do not want to work out and sometimes I don't. This week I worked out all seven days because I wanted to. But other weeks I only work out 4 or 5 times, sometimes less than that because I just don't have the energy for it. The point is, I'm not perfect 100 percentage of the time. It just so happens that this was an excellent week for me. I ate 3,921 calories under my weekly goal. I worked out for a total of 299 minutes. And had a total calorie burn between food and exercise of 9619. If you don't know, that is 2.75 pounds for the week. Some days in March I did not do well at all, but I still was down 6.2 lbs.

Here's what I want you to get from this long drabble, you don't always have to be perfect! Some days will be bad and some good. Some weeks you will lose 2 pounds, and somewhere you will gain them back. Have more good days than bad. Eat all the foods you love in moderation or find healthier replacements that you love even more. Just stick with it, and the results will come. Slow and steady wins the race.

It is finally the weekend. I am still trying to get used to working again. My job may not be all day at this point but I am still trying to get used to being busier. It will get better when I am in my actual work schedule and not my training schedule. This varying schedule is weird but I will be into my actual schedule within the next few weeks. It will be nice to get my first paycheck on Friday though. My next one will be even better though, so I am excited about May 1st.  

Catching Up

Hi, all!

It has been over a year since I last wrote a post. I am ashamed of myself, and a ton of things have happened since January 18, 2016. The person I am today is not who I was during that post. In fact, I cannot even believe how different my life is now compared to then.

Let me take you back to January 2016. I was living in Seattle, in my second quarter of grad school, and single. Life seemed fairly decent back then, there was not much I had to worry about besides school. I had amazing friends out in Seattle that I met at school and life was good. Then on May 31st I met and started dating this guy named Zak. Little did I know then that he would turn my world upside down, in positive and negative ways. He was volunteering at Safeco Field, working in one of the concession stands with a bunch of other guys. Some of my classmates and I just so happened to be going to a Mariner's game to reconnect before summer classes would begin. The thing is, Zak and I met online, so I had never seen him before in person, but that day in June we finally met. During his break, we met up and were able to spend a few minutes together before he had to get back to work. It was incredible to finally meet him after texting and daily phone conversations for a few weeks.

Zak and I moved in together about a month after we started dating. We had a whirlwind romance for the first few months. We were doing everything together, except when I had a few weeks of summer classes. Honestly, we were both very much in love, and we knew that we had a future together. Zak as had some problems with substances in the past but he had worked through all of that and been clean for over 9 months, so I did not mind. We all have baggage, and his just happened to be substances. Unfortunately, in July he had a relapse, and that threw a damper in things a little, but we worked through it. In August I brought him home to meet my family, we spent two weeks with them before we had to head back to Seattle so I could begin my second year of grad school.

After we had got back, I started my second year of grad school and began interning at a Residential Treatment Facility for Pregnant and Parenting Woman who have had substance use problems. It was definitely hard work because I was working with a challenging population. And it definitely impacted my relationship with Zak, I had school full-time (2 days/week) and internship part-time (3 days/week). It was hard for us. We went from spending all of our time together to very little time together. And around this time I developed Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Also around this time, Zak relapsed again because he was trying to cope with all of the changes that were happening in our life. That relapse lasted for probably 3-4 weeks, and it drained most of our finances.

Then in November, I began having some health problems. I went into the emergency room and found out that I had strep throat, a kidney infection, urinary tract infection, and gallstones. So I saw my family doctor because I was in lots of pain because of the gallstones and he was no help what so ever. Then two days before Thanksgiving, Zak took me into the emergency room again and it was decided that they wanted to admit me to the hospital and that I will need gallbladder surgery. On November 23, I had my gallbladder removed. My mom flew up to be with Zak and me, and to help me recover from my surgery. It was an incredible blessing to be able to spend Thanksgiving with my mom and Zak.

December rolled around, and I went back to internship and school after recovering from my surgery. Then on December 9th, Zak asked me to marry him, and I said yes. So we told our families and friends, and then I began planning the wedding. We went back to Wisconsin for Christmas, we were only able to be there for 4 days, but I was incredibly thankful to spend that time with my family. The day before we had to head back to Seattle, my mom and I went wedding dress shopping. Amazingly enough, we found my dress! We also found my veil, the bridesmaid dresses, flower girl dresses, my bouquet, and my bridesmaid bouquets. It was truly a fantastic trip.

After getting back to Seattle, real life began for us again. I went back to internship, and then in January, my classes started up again. Unfortunately, at the end of January Zak relapsed again. At that point, my anxiety was through the roof, and I was experiencing anxiety and panic attacks sometimes. Not only that, we were fighting a lot. We were trying so hard to get Zak's substance use under control again. This is the man I love, my fiance, and I did not want to see him destroy his life like that, not to mention our life together. But on February 21st I broke, in every sense of the word. This is hard for me to admit, but I had a nervous breakdown. I called my parents and told them that I needed to come home because I could not live in Seattle any longer. My anxiety and panic disorders had gotten so bad that I had to drop out of school and internship and move home. Zak had a few things to take care of out in Washington, so he moved here at the beginning of March.

We turned a new leaf now. Wisconsin and especially my hometown is a different way of life. Seattle was big, loud, and fast-paced. My hometown is the exact opposite of that, it is small, quiet, and slower. Not to mention that Midwestern people are nicer all around. For me, it is refreshing to be back home, and for Zak, it is a lot different, but he feels at home here already. The midwest can do that to a person though and I am glad that's how it is for him. My anxiety and panic disorders are still here, but now I have a larger support system surrounding me, and I am getting help. Honestly, sometimes you just need your mom to take care of you, and that is how I'm feeling right now. I am incredibly thankful to have such a loving, caring, and nurturing mother. And Zak is great through all of this too. This is a new thing for him, and I can be difficult to deal with when I am in the midst of an anxiety or panic attack. Honestly, I will never understand why he is still with me through all of this because this is not what he signed up for when we started dating. Either way, I am thankful that he is still by my side.

All of that being said, I have not stuck to a fitness or nutritional regimen since before Zak, and I started dating. Honestly, I have not done much exercise or eating right in a few years. Needless to say, I gained all of the weight back that I had lost and gained 15 more pounds. On March 6th Zak and I joined a gym and started working out the next day. Our gym offers some great things in our membership costs, including fitness evaluations every 30 days and program development. We had our fitness evaluation on the 8th, and my numbers were a tough pill to swallow. I weighed in at a staggering 330 pounds, with a body fat percentage of 46.8. During this evaluation, I learned how many pounds of fat I have on my body and how much lean body mass I possess. As of the 8th, I have 149 pounds of body fat and 177 pounds of lean body mass. Honestly, the lean body mass number surprised me. The trainer I worked with told me that if I wanted to be 22% body fat, if I did not gain any lean body mass (which is unlikely), then my goal weight should be 226 pounds! I was astounded by that number. When I first began my weight loss journey in 2011, my goal weight was 160 pounds because that was in the "healthy" range for my height. I had no clue that my goal weight could not be attained, and in fact, I should be at a lot higher weight than that. At this point, I just cut 66 pounds out of the weight I need to lose. Do not get me wrong, I still need to lose 104 pounds, but that is a lot more attainable than 170 pounds.

I have been tracking my food intake and fitness since the 7th, and I am proud of what I have done so far. My calorie goal to lose 1 pound/week is 2400, and I have been at of under that goal every day besides yesterday. And according to my scale at home,  on Monday I weighed in at 324.6 pounds. That is a loss of 5.4 lbs in 5 days. I have also logged 261 fitness minutes since the 7th, and that's including 3 off days from exercise. Honestly, I cannot wait for my next fitness evaluation next month to see how I have progressed.

Yesterday was an incredibly rough day for me, my anxiety was high from the moment I woke up in the morning. Zak and I didn't go to the gym, and in the afternoon I had a small binge. I did not track my food that afternoon or evening, but I am hoping that it was not too bad of a binge. Today is a new day, and it is going much better. I have tracked all my food thus far, and Zak and I hit the gym. We did cardio and strength training today. My legs and arms are killing me but I love the burn, it means that I worked my muscles hard and they are repairing themselves so they can grow stronger.

Well, I think that my short novel here will be catch up enough. I am going to try to start blogging more again. Not only will it help keep me accountable to my fitness and nutrition, but I am also hoping that it will help me work through some of my anxiety. Until next time!

~Sara~

Ups and Downs

Hi, all!

Happy Monday! How are you all doing today? I’m doing okay, last week was incredibly busy and filled with many ups and downs. Honestly, I’m really glad that it’s a new week and I get to start fresh. This week my goal is to not eat out at all and eat at or a little below my calorie goal each day. I really need to get my nutrition under control and begin making healthier choices every day.

I began last week by doing quite well, Sunday and Monday my calories were quite low and Tuesday I was about 100 under my goal. At that point, I was feeling good about myself and how well I was doing, but then that changed on Wednesday. I had a long day of class and I talked to my best friend when I got home and then I was feeling sort of hungry. Instead of grabbing one of the snacks I keep in the house for occasions such as this, I went online and ordered a big pizza and a few other things. I ate a little of it that night but saved the rest of it for the next day. On Thursday, I was feeling really down about what I had done the night before and wanted to just throw the food away but I can’t really afford to do that. So, I came up with a plan to eat the food that I had bought but make it fit into my calorie range. That planned worked until the afternoon because I had an incredibly stressful morning and then I let my stress take over and I pigged out on the pizza. That day, I ate 7 slices of large pizza and then I had a few other things in the evening. I honestly don’t know how many calories I ate that day but it happened. Friday I decided to start fresh and I did well, I was about 160 calories under my goal for the day. Saturday came around and I was having a fantastic day, I was ahead on my to-do list, my dinner was in the slow cooker and I was on track to being at or under my calorie goal for the day. Around 4 PM I was starting to get hungry and again, instead of grabbing a snack I ordered some food. I ate more than I needed to again and felt unsatisfied after. At that point, I saw how easily my nutrition was consumed by my stress and boredom, so now I’m trying to focus more on my nutrition and making healthier choices.

The few days that I ate too much led me to gain weight for the week. Yesterday I weighed myself and I wasn’t happy with what I saw. I gained a pound last week because of a few bad choices. Last week I sabotaged myself, which is hard to admit but it’s the truth. This needs to stop, now. I know that I won’t be perfect with my nutrition all the time and sometimes I’ll make unhealthy food choices and that’s okay. The thing that I’m trying to do right now is have more healthy days than unhealthy. When I do have an unhealthy day, I am going to try and not eat so much. I went and got groceries yesterday and I made sure to grab a few different types of snacks, so that if I am craving a certain thing that I can eat a little of it and not binge on it.

Well, this is where I am signing off. I have class tonight and I have a few things to get done this afternoon before I leave. I hope that you all have an amazing week! Until next time!
~Sara~

Weigh-In, Recap, Goals and a New Month

Hi, all!

Happy Monday and happy June! It's a new month, which means it's a new beginning and a great time to come up with some new goals. Today is a gorgeous day, a high of 66 and sunny. Don't forget to write out some new goals today and get working toward them. I have so much to cover today because I haven't blogged in a few days. Sorry about that, by the way, over the weekend my cold turned into something a lot more. I'm still feeling pretty under the weather, but I'm trying to move forward with my week.

Yesterday was Sunday which means I had my official weigh-in. My results were not where I wanted them to be, especially as it was the end of the month, but it is what it is.

Starting Weight: 315 lbs

Last Weight: 308.8 lbs

Current Weight: 308.9 lbs

Weight Lost: 6.1 lbs

As you can see, I gained .1 pound, so I'm not all that happy, but it could have been a lot worse. I need to be honest with everyone though, I didn't do as well with my fitness or nutrition this past week and you can see that with my weigh-in. Most days throughout the week, I was under my calorie goal, however, I made some unhealthy food choices. Plus, my calorie burns from my work outs were down a little this week and I know I didn't push myself as hard. Overall, I'm not happy with how this week went but, these things happen. Today is a new day and a new week, so I'm going to try harder.

Now onto my recap of my weekly goals, I actually accomplished all of these except for my weight goal. As seen above, I gained .1 pound, so my goal of losing .5-1 pound was not accomplished. The positive that I'm going to take out of last week though is that I worked out 5 days and had 214 minutes, which is 94 minutes over my goal. Also, I ate within my calorie goal 5 days, which was my goal. Each day I weighed in, tried to stay positive, blogged 5 times and continued to work through my food addiction. Overall, I did pretty well with my goals for the week and I'm going to keep working hard.

Okay, now it's time to recap my monthly goals and share my results. I didn't achieve my goal of losing 3 pounds, but I did lose 2.5 pounds, so that's still a win in my book. I worked out 23 of 31 days, which surpasses my goal and I had 1118 fitness minutes, which is a little more than double my goal. I ate within my calorie goal 24 of 31 days, which surpasses my goal of 21 days. Each day I weighed in, stayed positive, blogged 24 days (double my goal) and continued to work through my food addiction. Although I didn't achieve all of my goals, I do think that I made some good progress in May, especially with my food addiction. I took more steps forward than I did backwards, so May was definitely a good month!

June is upon us, which means it's time for some new monthly goals. My goals for this month are going to be pretty similar to May's goals, but I'm going to tweak them a little bit.

1. Lose 3 pounds
2. Cardio - at least 22 sessions, 45 minutes/session (1000 minutes/month)
3. Eat within my calorie goal at least 21 days (out of 30)
4. Weigh-in daily for weight loss study
5. Stay Positive
6. Blog at least 12 times
7. Continue to work through food addiction

I increased my fitness minute goal because I'm averaging at least 1000 each month. Also, I increased my amount of days eating within my calorie goal. One thing that I like to do when coming up with monthly goals is to take a look at my yearly goals and see how I'm coming along with those goals. I did that today and I already know that I won't accomplish my weight loss goal for the year because I'd have to lose 11.7 pounds each month, so that goal is definitely out. I'm not going to change that goal but I know I won't accomplish it, instead I'm going to push myself and try to lose between 24 and 48 pounds the rest of the year (1-2 pounds/week).

Finally, we're on to the goals for this week, they'll be pretty similar to what they always are, but there will be a few minor changes.

1. Lose .5 - 1 pound
2. Cardio - 4 sessions, 45 minutes/session (180 minutes)
3. Eat within my calorie goal (2300) at least 6 days 
4. Weigh-in daily for weight loss study
5. Stay Positive
6. Blog at least 3 days
7. Drink at least 64 oz of water/day
8. Continue to work through food addiction

Well, there you have it. This has been a pretty long post, so I hope you've all bared with me through it all. Well, I'm off. I'm going to get a pretty light walk in today, even though I'm sick. No more excuses because I won't see results unless I push myself. I hope that you all have an absolutely amazing day, week and month. Don't worry about what happened earlier this year, last month, last week or even yesterday, it's a new day. We each have a new beginning and we need to push forward. Until next time!

~Sara~

Weigh-In and Looking Back

Hi, all!

Happy Sunday! How are you all doing today? How are all of your goals coming along? Mine as going fairly well thus far. :) It's been a wonderful weekend and I'm looking forward to seeing what this week has in store. Plus, my best friend got to town today and we'll be spending time together numerous times throughout the week. :) I'm going to go over how Friday and Saturday went before I say anything else.

I had a good day on Friday until the evening. I ate more than I wanted to at dinner and then my two youngest nieces and I made cookies together. If I wouldn't have eaten so many cookies, I would have been fine. I did workout more to make up for it, so ultimately I was only 80 calories over, but it wasn't as a good a day as I had hoped. I let my food addiction take over, it's as simple as that. I did not make good food choices in the evening and I ate way too much. Overcoming this addiction is hard work, but I need to move forward. One bad day will not dictate how the rest of the week and month goes. On Friday I received the scale from the weight loss study I'm a part of and I'm in love with the scale. UCLA sent me a $100 scale for free! Plus, I downloaded a free app on my phone and the scale syncs with it, so that's amazing. The even better news, when the study is over, I get to keep this scale. :)

Saturday was wonderful. I wasn't planning on working out, but I felt the need in the morning. So, I got in a nice 25-minute walk. Then in the evening, I made this delicious peanut butter, chocolate, strawberry/banana smoothie, and it was healthy! It tasted more like a shake and I added some protein powder to it, so it had some added protein. :) I love having a blender again! I weighed in for the weight loss study's official beginning weight and it was back up to 311.4, so my loss from a few days ago was not correct (just as I suspected). So, I'm correctly my weight from 308 back up to 311. Overall, I had a great day Saturday! I was under my calorie goal and worked out. :)

Okay, now on to today. I'm weighing in every day for the study, but Sunday is my official weigh-in day. So here are those results:

Starting Weight: 315 lbs

Last Weight: 311.4 lbs

Current Weight: 312.4 lbs

Weight Lost: 2.6 lbs

Well, the scale showed a gain this morning. I'm not too worried about it because I know I didn't eat enough to actually gain a pound. In fact, according to my records, I should have lost at least .75 lbs. So, I'm probably retaining water or something like that. I worked hard last week and I know that as soon as my body is used to what I'm doing, I'll start seeing results. This week I'm planning on adding more strength training, at least 3 days and cardio at least 5 days. 

Tomorrow morning I have an interview for a freelance data entry position, so I'm pretty excited! It's just a temporary position, but it could possibly lead to other projects and give me some more experience. Something else exciting, my best friend is getting into town later this afternoon and she'll be here for a week! I'm either going to see her when she gets here or we're getting together tomorrow sometime. :) I can't wait to have some one-on-one time with her again. Well, I'm off, I've got to do some things around the house and then make some lunch. I hope you all have an amazing day and week. Until next time!

~Sara~

Update and Addiction

Hi, all!

How are you all today? I'm sorry it has been so long since my last post, 10 weeks. Eek! Sadly, not a ton of things have happened since then, but I do have some very exciting news. I have just a couple days until I graduate with my Bachelor's degree, May 3rd is the official final day! :) Plus, I went out to Seattle for my grad school interview and just a few days later, I found out that I was accepted! So, by September at the latest, I'll be moving out to Seattle.

April 2015

I need to be honest about some now, over the past months I have gained back almost all of the weight I had lost. I'm incredibly disappointed in myself and now I have to start over again. This morning, I looked at my weight chart over the past 90 days and it has been a gradual increase. On February 1st, I weighed 295.2 lbs and yesterday I weighed 313.4 lbs. How have I gained 18 lbs since February?!? That is only 12 weeks, what did I do to myself? A few weeks ago I was visiting my best friend and I saw just how much I let myself go. She loves taking pictures, so she did and I looked so big. I didn't realize that I looked this big again, I almost cried when I saw the photos. I tried to make a change, but it just didn't happen. Then on Saturday I got another unwanted, reality check, I'm up a clothing size and I'm not happy about it. Don't get me wrong, the clothes I bought are super cute, but I'm supposed to be going down in size, not up. Hopefully, these were the reality checks I needed and I'll be able to get back on track again. I have hope because my weigh-in yesterday showed a loss of .2 lbs from the week before. It wasn't a huge loss, but it's a step in the right direction.

Today I worked out for the first time since the beginning of February. I haven't been able to do a lot because I've had an issue with my hip for almost a week, but I wanted to get back into the routine of exercising. All I did was walk with 2lb weights in my hands, but it was still a workout. Honestly, I'm starting from scratch and it saddens me because I use to be able to do so much. Today I was winded after walking for 30 minutes, but at least I'm starting now and not after I gain any more weight. Tomorrow I'm going to walk again and I'll work myself up to more, as I did before.

The final thing that I need to say is going to be the hardest. Time to come clean and admit something to me and everyone else. I am addicted to food and use it as a crutch. I eat not only when I'm hungry, but when I'm bored, anxious, depressed, happy, and every other time. I don't use food to simply nourish my body, I use it to make myself feel better. It's like any other addiction, I crave it to make myself feel better and not because I need it. I'm trying to work through my addiction and have a different relationship with food. This isn't something that will happen overnight and I will have times where I give in and don't accomplish what I hope to, but I will never stop fighting. Changing my mindset is the first thing I have to do, so that's the plan. Plus, I'm going to try to eat less processed foods and more fruits, vegetables and lean proteins.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm off to put the finishing touches on my final and then do some planning for the week. I hope that you all have a wonderful day! Until next time!

~Sara~

Weigh-In and Misleading Scale

Hi all!

Happy Monday! How are you all doing today? It's an absolutely beautiful day here, a bit cold, but beautiful. It's suppose to be warming up this week, today is going to be our coldest day. By the end of the week, it'll be in the upper 30s again! :) 

Yesterday was my official weigh-in day, but I weighed myself again this morning because today is when we are supposed to weigh-in for my challenge. My weigh-in yesterday put me at 294.4, I'm retaining water, majorly. This morning when I weighed-in I was down to 293.8, so better than yesterday. I'm not too worried about this "gain" though, I logged it and I'm moving forward.

Starting Weight: 315 lbs

Last Weight: 291.6 lbs

Current Weight: 293.8 lbs

Weight Lost: 21.2 lbs

Today I want to talk about something that I'm living through right now, my weigh-in this week brought this point up for me. The scale can be very misleading and it is not everything! This week it told me that I gained between 2 and 3 pounds this week, which I know is not true. I ate at or under my calorie goal at least 5 of 7 days this past week and began working out a bit harder, including strength training. Not to mention that I didn't eat an extra 7000-10,500 calories. My muscles are retaining the water they need to help recuperate from my toning sessions. Yesterday, I could have easily gotten discouraged and made unhealthy food choices, but I didn't. I know how I feel and I feel great! I know that the weight I "gained" this week will come off, in fact, .6 pounds came off since yesterday. This is just a part of the journey. Sometimes water retention happens or anything else, but we can't get discouraged. 

It's Monday, which means it's upper body toning today. I'm psyched for it and I'm sure my arms and shoulders are going to kill tomorrow, but I love having sore muscles in that sense. Do any of you love having those sore muscles too? In my opinion, having sore muscles for a few days is definitely worth it when I'll be getting a smaller and healthier body. 

Well, it's time to finish my breakfast and then get going on my workout. I've got a busy day ahead, I have a lot to get done this week. I hope that you all have a wonderful day. Until next time!

~Sara~

Weigh-In

Hi all! 

Happy Monday! How are you all doing today? It is another absolutely gorgeous day here! Today is the official start of my next school session, let the craziness begin. Thankfully I have gotten some work done this past weekend, so I have a bit of a head start. 

My nutrition has been majorly off the past few days, the stress had gotten a hold of me. I weighed-in today (I forgot to yesterday morning) and I am honestly surprised that I only gained a small amount. Either way, I'll take the small gain and I am moving forward. Last week I did not weigh-in because of various circumstances, so my gain seems a bit larger but I only gained .4 lbs from last week. 

Starting Weight: 315 lbs

Last Weight: 291.4 lbs

Current Weight: 293 lbs

Weight Lost: 22 lbs

I have to cut this pretty short because I have a lot to get done today. My goals for today, finish my journal for my capstone class. Then complete the other 2 discussions for this week and if possible write up one of the two journal outlines that I have left for this week. I am really hoping to get everything done early this week, so I can get a head start on next weeks work or begin researching for my finals. I hope that you all have a wonderful day. Until next time!

~Sara~

Weekly Weigh-In

Hi all!

Happy Sunday! How are you all today? The weekend is coming to an end, how are you going to make it a positive one? 

Of course, yesterday after I had already made my post, I was informed that we were not going shopping and it would be happening today now. So I had to re-plan out my day, which wasn't all that much work, just switched the Saturday things to Sunday and vise versa. So yesterday I took a nice walk with my mother and had an enjoyable chat with her. Plus I began working on next weeks schoolwork, hopefully I'll be able to finish it pretty early on in the week. 

Anyways, today I will be going shopping with my HRM, and I'll be getting so really yummy stuff. And thank God for that because as of yesterday, I am out of my breakfast foods. So I only get coffee this morning :( It is going to be a long morning, that's for sure. 

Since today is Sunday, I have a weigh-in. I don't weigh-in again for my challenge until the 16th, so I'll be posting that on Thursday as well. Before weighing in, I wasn't sure how the weigh-in would go because last weekend I was off. Then during the week, I had a few good and bad days nutritionally, the positive thing is that my fitness stayed on track. When I had stepped on the scale on Monday morning (I was wearing more clothing than I would normally wear to weigh-in), I had gained some weight but I took it as a grain of salt.

Starting Weight: 315 lbs

Last Weight: 288.6 lbs

Current Weight: 291.4 lbs

Weight Lost: 23.6 lbs

Now, I do not think that I gained 2.8 pounds in a week because I did not eat that many extra calories. But I do think that my sodium level was higher than normal this week and that could very easily play a big role in this. Either way, I'll try to drink more water from here on out to combat the sodium and just try to stick to my nutrition plan more closely this week. 

Well I have to keep this short... I need to finish drinking my coffee, get ready for church and then off to do some shopping with my mother. Oh and it's my brother and SIL's 7th anniversary today, so happy anniversary to them. I hope you all have a wonderful day. Until next time!

~Sara~

Weigh-In and Weekly Goals

Hi all!

Happy Sunday! How are you all on this bright, sunny and warm fall day? I can't really complain, I'm a bit tired but other than that, I'm wonderful! 

Today was my official weigh-in day and although I technically gained since my last official weigh-in, I still lost weight since my challenge weigh-in on Friday. So, I'm still happy with how I did this past week, especially since there was one day that I went over on my calorie goal. I logged 357/150 official fitness minutes and about 2350/1500 calories burned, which is over my of my goals! :) This just goes to show you that nutrition is so incredibly important when it comes to weight loss, if I wouldn't have gone over my calorie goal that one day, I would have lost some weight. 

Starting Weight: 315 lbs

Last Weight: 287.6 lbs

Current Weight: 287.8 lbs (+.2) 

Weight Lost: 27.2 lbs

Okay, now for some weekly goals - there's a lot for this week

1) Eat around 2200 calories (my goal) daily

2) No binge days

3) Work out for 30 minutes/5 days a week - at least 300 calories burned/workout 

4) Blog 5 days/week

5) Add some low impact lower body strength training (I think bridges will be added this week)

6) Stick to my pre-approved snacks

7) Complete my schoolwork by Saturday - at the latest

8) Drink at least 64 oz of water/day 

9) Eat slower (take at least 30 minutes to eat meals) 

10) Take at least 1 hour/day to relax 

11) Do at least 1 hour of pleasure reading/day

12) Burn between 1500 and 2000 calories this week

13) Track everything that I eat

14) Eat a bigger breakfast/ daily (at least 300 calories)

15) Don't worry so much

16) Do at least 20 tasks/week

I'm sure there are other things I want to accomplish this week as well but this is what's on my mind at the moment. Plus, I think 16 goals for the week is plenty. 

Well, I'm off to watch the football and baseball game and get a head start on my homework. I hope that you all have a wonderful afternoon. Until next time!

~Sara~

Weigh-In and Goals

Hi all!

Happy Monday and happy new week! How are you all doing today? I'm awesome today, tired but really good. I only slept 3 hours last night but I am not letting that get me down, not to mention that my coffee has kicked in nicely. :)

Yesterday I weighed-in and it did not go as well as I had hoped but that's because I had a ridiculous binge on Friday night. I'm not talking about a crazy meal, I am talking over 2500 calories, along with my 1700 calories from earlier in the day. Amazingly enough, I only gained .4 pounds, it shows how well I would have done if I hadn't have binged. After that binge, I was hurting though, I felt gross and extremely disappointed in myself. I'm moving forward though and I am determined to not binge this week.

Starting Weight: 315 lbs

Last Weight: 291.2 lbs

Current Weight: 291.6 lbs (+.4)

Weight Lost: 23.4 lbs

I have been thinking a lot today and there are so many things that I want to accomplish in regards to weight loss and fitness. These are things that I have desired but not necessarily voiced, so I am going to do that now.

1. No more stomach rolls

2. No more back fat

3. Not needing to wearing a shaper to have smooth lines

4. Not being out of breath from watching up/down the stairs

5. Being able to go into any store and be able to try on clothing

6. Feel confident in whatever I'm wearing

7. Be a good example to my friends and family

8. Be able to help people who are in my current situation

9. Just be comfortable in my skin

Well I suppose, I need to get some homework done. I hope you all have a wonderful evening. So until next time!

~Sara~

Happy New Year and Life Update

Hi all!

*Looks around shyly* Wow, it has been way too long since I have last posted... Honestly, I am somewhat ashamed of myself for not posting in so long but life has been crazy. But God, I have missed blogging and it's a new year, so I want to start things up again. Do you know a big reason why I decided to start blogging again? It's somewhat silly but it's the truth, I was reading this Glee fan-fiction today (I'm still in the process of reading it) and one of the main characters is a blogger. Reading about it just made me miss blogging even more and gave me the push to start it up again. 

First things first, how are you all? Oh, and Happy New Year! Can you believe it's 2014 already?!? How many of you make New Year's resolutions? Care to share any of them? I make them to an extent, but I don't like calling them New Year's resolutions. To me, those are broken too often and people make the exact same ones every year. So I call them my yearly goals and some of them are lifetime goals, to be honest. Here they are:

Get my eating back on track

      Get into an exercise routine

      Pay off all of what’s past due and begin classes again

      Save more money this year

      Don’t sweat the small stuff

      Be open minded and try new things

      Put others first

      Meet new people

      Start cooking again

      Communication

      Focus on the important things

      Find a better paying job and keep it

      Be the light

      Make Amanda proud

      Become the person I hope to be

      Just be happy

      Keep moving forward and never give up

      Decide where to get my Master’s

Okay, so here's the part where I talk about everything that has been happening since the end of July. Get ready for a short novel:

First, I moved back home to Wisconsin. As you may or may not know, my job out in Colorado didn't work out and I wasn't able to find another one. :( At the end of August, my parents came out to get home and we went home. Did I tell you all that I wasn't doing well physically starting toward the end of July? I honestly don't remember, but I'll tell you now either way. It was bad, one day I just got this bad headache (it was pretty much a migraine) and was feeling extreme dizziness. Things just continually got worse over the next few months and the dizziness didn't go away until November, I believe it was. The headaches are still here but I'm trying to handle them and it's much easier without the dizziness. But it was to the point where I could barely do anything, I honestly just laid in bed all day in the dark and the only sound was my fan. 

God, those last few weeks in Colorado were bad. My debit card number had been stolen and so they had to shut it down and I didn't have access to any money. This was horrible because I barely had any food in my house. The last few days before my parents came to get me, I was only able to eat a few tablespoons of peanut butter each day. I lost a lot of weight in August (sadly I've gained it all back and then some now), I was down about 15 pounds or so that month. Once my mom got there, she bought a little food so we could eat and I ended up getting sick because I was finally eating properly again. It was not a fun drive back to Wisconsin with how I was feeling. The second day, we had to postpone leaving by over an hour because of how horrible I felt. 

Second, I broke up with my ex-fiancé back in the beginning of October. It was a difficult decision but then again, it wasn't. I loved him, no doubt about it but there was something deep down inside where I knew that it wasn't right. The main problem was that we would have to get married within 90 days of him being here and I just wasn't comfortable with that idea. You know, what if we wouldn't have hit it off in person? I wanted to be able to actually date someone in person and get to know them, spend time with them and ultimately get engaged and married but not on the government's time frame for us. Also there was something that hurt me, I guess you could say, and it played a big role in why I broke things off. There were many times where I would ask him, "why do you love me?" and he couldn't give me a concrete reason. Nothing, not a single physical or emotional trait. I could list off so many things for him but he couldn't even give me one. It hurt me and caused me to doubt his "love" for me. I honestly thought he and I were done communicating, but them on Christmas he messaged me on Facebook and said some horrible things. Not the best way to start my holiday, but it is what it is, I suppose. 

Third, I started babysitting my youngest two nieces (the twins) for my brother and sister-in-law during the day because my SIL got a job with the school where my mom teaches. The pay isn't wonderful but at least I have a little extra cash and I get to spend time with two of my favorite little girls every week. :) Don't get me wrong, those little girls can be handful sometimes but I wouldn't trade this for the world. I never got to bond with my nephew like this and you can tell. It saddens me honestly, he loves me but he'd much rather spend time with other family members. Not my girl’s though, they love their aunt Sara. I will never regret being able to spend so much time with them and building the relationship that we have. 

Fourth, I haven't been able to take classes for months and it's killing me! Why you ask? Well, I have to pay off this past due amount from this past semester and the summer semester, but I can't take classes again until it's completely payed off. Honestly, it makes me mad. I have a butt-load of financial aid available to me for this spring semester and I probably won't even be able to use it because of the payments that I have to make. Why on earth can my financial aid not just go into paying that off what I owe and then I can take classes again? I'm already a semester behind in my plan because of the stupid headaches/dizziness that I had last year and this is only pushing me back even further. I was supposed to be graduating in May of this year and now I have no idea when graduation will come. All I want is to be taking classes again, ugh!!

Finally, we get to December; it was a freaking crazy month, in both positive and negative ways. I might as well start with the negative. On December 12, my grandmother (dad's mom) had a massive heart attack and was in the ICU, it didn't look good right away. We were told to go and say our goodbyes, I was never close to her, but it brought back memories from Amanda's death. But things started to look up, she had a really good night and we were hopeful. Sadly, things took a turn for the worst and she died the next day (Friday the 13th). It turned out that she never really took good care of herself, she always put others first, especially my grandfather. His health hasn't been the greatest for a while, it stressed her out a lot, and I have no doubts that it played a role in her death. Her funeral was on December 18th and it was hard. Honestly, I feel bad. Her death wasn't hard for me because it was her that died, but it was because the last death and funeral I experienced was Amanda's. Does that make me a bad granddaughter? 

Anyways, the next day (the 19th) was my father's birthday. Amazingly, my dad's taking his mom's death really well. But when we were at the hospital the day of her heart attack it was tough. It was the first time I ever remember seeing my father and grandfather cry. That was also the day that I saw my grandparents be affectionate around us, which never happened. They had been married for 60 years and 1 month so they just knew how they felt and didn't show it around other people. Anyways, back to the crying thing. When my mom and I got to the hospital I saw tears in my dad's eyes, I had literally never seen him cry before, my mom told me about 2 other times that he's cried (that she knows of) and they both involved me. The first was at my birth and the second was after my car accident. It was really tough, that in itself made me start to cry. You know, my mom and I may not see eye to eye with everything but I love her so much and I can't even imagine losing her. My grandmother's death did have good things become of it though. My brother and I rode of the burial site together and we just talked, that doesn't happen often. It made me realize even more just how much my brother means to me and how much I miss him. 

Okay, enough sadness, now onto the happiness that December has brought me. A few days before my dad's birthday I got a text from this person who I hadn't really talked to in a few years. He's a complete sweetheart. You know, I never gave him a chance a few years ago because we're different. He is a country boy, through and through and I'm definitely not country. Jeremy's a farmer, he lives out in the country, listens to country music, very much into agriculture and pretty much anything country. Anyone who knows me knows that I am the exact opposite of that. I'm a city girl (maybe not a big city but city nevertheless) and I try to be more sophisticated and I love musicals, Broadway, and that sort of thing. Long story short, I never gave him a chance because I judged him based on petty things. Well, I'm giving him a chance this time around. We started dating on my dad's birthday and I really like him. :) He makes me happy and it's nice to be able to spend time with him in person and also through texting. We're still learning about each other but it's going good so far. I'm excited to see where this is heading and who knows, maybe I have a future with him. 

This topic is one that needs to be address but I really don't want to. My weight loss (or gain in my case, currently). Even since my headaches/dizziness, I haven't been doing well. At first, I wasn't eating enough and I almost down to 250 pounds, which was my goal for this year. However, once I started eating properly again, I gained it all back and then some. I'm not gonna lie, it's pretty depressing. I looked at a chart of my yearly weight loss and I am down about 11 pounds this year and it's better than gaining but it's not what I hoped. In August, I was down to 250.2 and I ended up at 278 to end the year, it's disappointing. Don't get me wrong, a loss is better than a gain, any day of the week and I'm in size 20 pants all around. That's exciting to me, because I'm still 4 pant sizes down from my heaviest and I've still lost weight. I'm not giving up, I'm going to fight to win this battle. 

Starting Weight: 315

Last Weigh-In: 266.8

Current Weight: 278

Total Lost: 37

So, my game plan?

1) Starting counting calories again

2) Begin an exercise routine of some sort (at least 4 days a week)

3) Carb cycling, it helped a ton before and I felt so much better

4) Continue to blog on a consistent basis

5) Come up with a list of goals for this year

6) Just keep fighting no matter what. Never give up

Wow, okay. This turned into a short novel, sorry about that. In my defense, I had a lot to cover. I promise that you all will hear from me again soon! I love you all! So until next time!

~Sara~

Weigh-In (Day 669)

Hi all!

Happy Monday! How are you all doing? It was an insanely long week and not in a positive sense. I had two finals due yesterday and thank the Lord I was able to get them both done on time. And now this session I am only in one class which means I'll have a little more free time. Oh and my course overload form got approved so I'll be adding two more classes to the final session of the fall semester. At about 430 this morning I woke up with some blah feelings in my stomach and sadly that is still present. Depending on how my stomach feels later, I'm going to try and get some exercise in.

But yesterday was Sunday and that mean's it was weigh-in day. Well I had a very trying and stressful week, especially the  end of it. So my weight gain is not surprising but thankfully I only gained .8 pounds. This week should be better, I'm going to keep up with my exercise routine and improve my eating.

Starting Weight: 315

Last Weigh-In: 266

Current Weight: 266.8

Total Lost: 48.2

Time to relax a little bit and then get a head start on my homework. I hope you all have a wonderful day! So until next time!

~Sara~

Weigh-In and Recommitting (Day 605)

Hi all!

Happy Sunday! How are you all doing today? It's a beautiful day here in Wisconsin, the sun is shining with a few clouds and it's warmer. How is the weather by all of you today? 

I'm thankful to have a more relaxing day planned because yesterday was crazy busy. We had our rummage sale yesterday from 8am-4pm, and I was outside for most of that time (I was able to work on my tan a little too :) ). It wasn't that it was extremely crazy or anything but we had the kids over so we were trying to keep them under control too. Even though I was sitting a lot of the day, my hip is killing me... thankfully I get to see my chiropractor tomorrow. 

Since it is Sunday, that makes it weigh-in day. After my nutrition this week, I am not surprised by the result but I am surprised that I didn't gain more. Thankfully I only gained a pound because with my nutrition last week, I should have gained a lot more. Honestly, I probably didn't gain more because my fitness was decent last week. I only had 88 fitness minutes but my workouts were a little more intense most days. But my goal for this week is to have at least 100 fitness minutes, hopefully closer to 150 though. 150 fitness minutes is only 30 minutes for 5 days, that's easy. So no excuses, I will get those 150 fitness minutes this week. 

Starting Weight: 315

Last Weigh-In: 270.4

Current Weight: 271.4

Total Lost: 43.6

It is time to refocus and recommit because I do not want to keep gaining this weight back. I've fought really hard to lose these 43 pounds and I will not gain them back. So as I said, my fitness will be increasing this week and my nutrition will be on track this week. I need to really focus on eating healthier calories again because I have gotten away from that. Less sweets, pizza  and unhealthy night time snacking, more vegetables and healthier calories. 

Today will be busy, church this morning, homework this afternoon/evening, dinner with my SIL, brother and the kids, hopefully getting a workout in, and of course the baseball game. I hope that you all have an amazing day! So until next time!

~Sara~

Year 1 Day 156 (Day 521)

Hi all!

Happy Sunday! How is everyone doing today? It is an absolutely gorgeous day today, sunny with a high of 35. Sorry I wasn't able to post yesterday, I was crazy busy all day. We had to leave earlier than usual in the morning because my mom had a dentist appointment at 9:30, so we were out the door by 9 and we didn't get back until close to 4:30 and then we had to head off to church. After church I did have some time to relax but I needed to work on some schoolwork. I'll be honest, I made some unhealthy choices in the afternoon and I would have been fine if I wouldn't have kept on snacking at night. Not a great way to end my week, but it is what it is. I can't change it.

It's a new day and a new week and it's weigh-in day. I gained .6 pounds, and looking at all the factors, that's a major win. For all of your sake, I won't go into all of those factors because a few would be major TMI, but there are factor's working against me. But one thing I do need to work on this week is my nutrition  I did okay with it last week, but I could have made a lot better choices sometimes, and my snacking needs to improve. If I do feel the need to snack, I need to make healthier choices. This week, my main goal is to only snack on healthier items (fruits, veggies, peanut butter, ect...)

I want to be honest with everyone and share something that I've really been thinking about. I've really realized that I have such a hard time with my snacking, and something needs to change. So I've been looking into an over eaters group or something like that to see if it would help me. And there is one about 25 minutes from where I live but my car is not suppose to be driven on the high way, so there goes that idea for now. But I really think that it would be help, just to be able to talk to other people who understand how I'm feeling. My mom understands what I'm feeling to an extent but yet she still buys all of these foods that I'm trying to stay away from, so it's difficult. I don't think she understands my struggles completely but it is what it is.

I do have to say, I am loving my class a freakish amount! It's a small class, only 7 of us, plus our professor. Honestly, I love having small classes like this, because then we can really get to know one another better. But oh boy, I have a lot to get done this week. I need to finish up my reading that I didn't finish last week (oops) only 20 pages left of that though. And then 63 pages in another book for this week. Plus finishing up my paper that's due next Sunday. Thankfully I already finished my initial discussion posting for this week, so that's one less thing to worry about.

Today I found just another reason why I love my digital food scale so much. I made myself an afternoon snack, whole grain waffles with mixed berries, powdered sugar and cinnamon (delicious and only 271 calories!). So I grab my food scale to measure my mixed berries, a serving size is 1 cup or 140 grams (according to the nutrition label). I go ahead and set my measuring cup on my scale (saw how much it weighed and will at 140 grams to that number) and I hit the 140 gram total and it's not 1 total cup. Honestly, it was closer to 3/4 cup. Just goes to show you, measuring your food is the may to go. If I wouldn't have measured my berries, the calories that I ate would be altered a little (and yes, they are just berries so the calories wouldn't be a freakish amount off, but still). If I wasn't sold on measuring food completely before, I am now! :)

Since it's Sunday, we are having my brother, SIL and nieces and nephew over for dinner tonight. As many of you know, this is where I struggle a lot (because of all the dang food my mother makes). But I refuse to overeat tonight. Do you hear that body and mind, I will NOT overeat tonight. I am getting way too close to that stupid number that I never want to see again, and I won't EVER see it again.

But I really should get back to my homework. So until next time.

~Sara~

Year 1 Day 152 (Day 517)

Hello all!

How is everyone doing today? Just another cold February day here in the great state of Wisconsin. I just returned from physical therapy, my back/hip is hurting like crazy but I won't let that stop me from having a great day. How can it be bad? Abid called me this morning, and after not hearing his voice since Sunday it was much needed. :) Plus I'm happy, because I've been doing a lot better with my nutrition, exercise is still out of the question but I'm doing what I can.

Speaking of nutrition, that made me think about some forums that I've been reading and things in my own life.  There have been so many negative people in my life that have told me that I could lose weight a lot fast if I decreased my calories. In fact, one person told me I should only be eating 1200 calories! 1200!?! When I heard that, I literally told them that they are crazy. I am 5'10.5" tall, I'm a big girl and eating 1200 calories is severely unhealthy. For me to lose about 1 lb/week I should be eating about 2180 calories. To all of those people who think eating as little as possible will cause me to lose more weight, thanks for your advice but I've done my own research. And I've experimented with how many calories to eat and I'll stick with what I'm doing, because it seems to be working.

Last night I was watching a show called, My 600 lb Life, it profiled a few individuals over a 7 year period about their weight loss journey. I watched 2 segments of it and honestly, it really made me think about my own life. When the people and their families were talking about some of their struggles, I could really relate. I understood, to an extent, the pain in their eyes. Now don't get me wrong, I am no where near 600+ pounds, I am half of that weight plus some. So I don't necessarily understand the mobility issues and things like that, but I do understand the pain of feeling like I'm not worth it. Or that I am not normal and that food is my only comfort. Oh believe me, there were days when I weighed my heaviest where I just felt like my life wasn't worth living anymore. But you know, it's all about our own attitudes and confidence. Those are the things that the right people notice and they will want to be with you for those qualities.

One thing that was mentioned a lot in the show was this question, "how did I ever let myself get this big?" This is something that I have questioned quite often. I wonder why when I was 250 lbs in high school, that I didn't do something then. I was a lot closer to my goal then compared to when I started trying to lose weight in 2011 at 315 lbs. Honestly, I know why I let myself get that big. There is no doubt in my mind that it is because of my emotions, I'm an emotional eater. I've had quite a few traumatic things happen to me in high school and directly after, but that doesn't account for why I was always an overweight child. That is my parents, especially my mother, she was my enabler (honestly, she still can be). My family is the type where food is always present, it's what we use if we're happy, sad, lonely, ect... Most of the people in my family are over weight, some not as much as others, but there are hardly any of us on my mom's side that are at a healthy weight. At our family get together, holidays mostly, there is plenty of good food, but even more of an abundance of delicious desserts. It's definitely been a lot harder since I've started trying to lose weight, but I'm getting better and I have no doubt that holidays will always be a struggle for me. But then there's my father, he is tall and thin. He eats whatever he wants and won't gain a pound, probably because he has a very physically demanding job. It stinks though because he always wants to keep ice cream and chips and other things like that in the house. What he doesn't understand is how tempting those things can be to me, not so much the ice cream but the chips are killer. It's amazing that I haven't touched the chips that are in the cabinet this week.

But I suppose. I've been slacking on the paper I've been writing. So I should probably get to it. Until next time.

~Sara~

Year 1 Day 149 (Day 514)

Hi all! I have a confession to make.... I've been doing absolutely horribly with my eating the past few weeks, and it definitely shows. I'm up 4 lbs from my lowest weight within the past few weeks. I'll be honest, I've known how horrible I've been doing, but it wasn't until I saw the number on the scale this morning that really gave me a kick in the butt. The number I saw this morning was getting way too close to the number that I said that I would never see again. Today was a challenge because we had a little get together with some family because it is my grandfather's birthday tomorrow. I really don't know the exact number of calories that I ate but I ate a lot less than I usual.

I'm really hoping that since my class starts tomorrow, it will help me stay busier and I will be less likely to snack throughout the day. Today went well, I only had one snack throughout the day and it was some cereal.  I'm determined to do better with my nutrition because I am unable to do much exercise right now. I don't want to do a whole lot until meeting with my physical therapist tomorrow for my back and seeing what the person says. But I am hoping that the person will tell me some exercises I can do and then I'm sure some walking will be alright.

As many of you known, I've been so lonely lately because I haven't really been able to talk to Abid, besides for a few minutes on the phone. Last night while I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep, my mind was wandering. And I said a that Abid and I barely have a relationship anymore because we hardly ever get to talk now. Needless to say, it's been very hard. This morning Abid called me twice, just to tell me how much he misses and loves me and how much he wants us to be together. After he said that, I felt so horrible with even thinking what I did last night. It just goes to show you, Abid always knows the right thing to say to make me feel better. I love that man more and more every day.

But I'm getting quite tired. So it's off to bed for this girl because physical therapy starts in the morning. Until next time.

~Sara~

Year 1 Day 145 (Day 510)

Hi all. How's everyone doing today? Honestly, I'm doing pretty crappy. I'm very emotional and lonely, I have been the past week or so. At first when I thought about blogging today, I was just going to say screw it, but obviously I've decided against it. I didn't want to annoy everyone with what I'm going through but I know that I need to let my emotions out or I will just bottle them up inside and sooner or later I'll explode (figuratively, of course). It's happened in the past and I don't want it to happen again. I'm the type of person who is very emotional but I don't like to let my emotions show to most people. Usually, I try to be the strong, happy person that I always am. I don't like to show weakness because I grew up with a very anti-emotion father. Don't get me wrong, I love my father and he can be awesome but he doesn't know how to show his emotion except by getting angry and storming off. So when I was growing up, I didn't show my emotion that often and I'm still like that to this day. Half the time I don't even like to have my fiancé see me when I'm emotional (it's something that I'm working on because he wants us to be open with each other on every front). 

It's no surprise why I'm so emotional and lonely. I miss Abid and that's that. We talk on the phone every day but it's not for long, maybe 10 minutes if we're lucky. It's hard going from talking to at least 2 hours every day down to 10 minutes at a time. And not being able to see him is killing me inside. I'm really trying to be supportive of him and his decision to take this job but it sucks for me. I hate feeling like this because I'm being so selfish and I know that Abid is doing what he feels is best for us. I do trust his judgement but it's very hard. There are so many things that I don't understand and I don't think I ever will. I am still thankful that we are able to talk on the phone most days and that I know he is doing fine. This morning Abid's phone call woke me up, and as much as I wanted more sleep, I couldn't think of a better way to start my day, than talking to the man I love. But I also talked to his friend for a minute and it was nice because he told me that he's taking care of Abid and making sure he's okay. Plus, he told me who much Abid talks about me and how much he loves me. :) Don't get me wrong, I know how much Abid loves me, but it's nice to hear someone else saying it who is around him. 

I've been eating emotionally because of all of this and after the fact, I feel horrible. But of course, later in the day or night I eat because I'm emotional again. Every morning I wake up telling myself that I will do better today and that I won't eat because I'm emotional or bored. And then every day, I go and eat emotionally again. It's a vicious cycle and I'm starting to hate myself again, this is a step backwards. I was finally happy with myself and the choices I was making and now I feel the exact opposite. So, I need to make a change before it gets worse and I go spiraling backwards. I haven't weighed myself since Sunday but I'm sure I have gained weight this week. But as of this moment, I am going to give it my all to make a change. I need to start wanting this again. Doing this for me and my health. My life is at stake here. And heck, I'm going to be in a wedding in 7.5 months, I wanna look good. :)

I am determined to never go back to how I was before. A girl who weighed in at 315 pounds, with zero self-esteem and hated herself. The girl who thought she was worth nothing. Who thought people would be happier if she just died. Who went from guy to guy because she didn't want to be alone. Who always put on a happy face because she didn't want people to see just how much she hurt inside. 

I'm sorry that I've been so emotional and very whiny/complaining all the time lately. I just don't really have anyone else to turn to in my life because my 2 closest friends live in different states. Plus they each have their own stresses that they are dealing with, and I'm the one that they turn to when they need to talk (just another reason why I feel like I need to appear strong). 

So I've turned the page, it's a brand new chapter and I'm ready to start writing. I do have worth. I love myself. I bring joy to people's lives. I can make a difference in this world. I am worthy of love and respect. (It's time to start really believing this again). Since it's lent, I'm going to give up a few things (I usually don't give up things for lent, but what they heck). I plan to give up most sweets (cookies, cakes, cupcakes, ice cream, etc...). 

I'm having a little emotional dilemma currently. For the longest time, I have had a large yearning to travel and live in another country for a short time. When I first started having this yearning, there was no place in particular that I wanted to visit/live but now I really want to travel by my fiancé and experience life there. And I realize that life would be quite difficult, especially being a woman, but I truly want to do it. Abid has lived in this country his entire life and I really want to have a grasp on what it's like there. I can research and study the country as much as possible but you never really know what it's like until you visit it and experience everything. Now my dilemma is that my family doesn't want me to travel there because it's not the safest country. Believe me, I understand their concerns because I've done research and it can be a scary place. But at the same time, it doesn't scare me and I really do want to experience it. So I don't know what to do. Do I follow my heart or do I make my family happy? I just don't know. I am praying for wisdom and guidance because I have no idea what to do. So please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I make this decision. 

Until next time.

~Sara~

P.S. I'm sorry that I've been such a bad blogger friend lately, I've barely read/commented on any blogs lately. That will be changing soon, promise!