Frustration and Struggles

Hi, all!

Happy Friday! How are you all doing on this lovely day? It's already Friday, which is crazy, this week has absolutely flown by for me. This week has had it's ups and downs, right now it is more of a down. I'm trying to continue moving forward though. I keep beginning posts and not finishing them, so I'm finally going to finish a post again this week. Today I started my new job and I'm tired out! It has been a long time since I've had to be on my feet this long, but it is what it is, I'll get used to it. Now I'm just sitting with my feet up and relaxing for a little while before dinner.

Before I talk about anything else, I just need to get a frustration off my chest. I'm so tired of people judging other people, especially when they know nothing about what that person is going through. Everywhere I am turning I see people judging others and it drives me so crazy. Each of us has a story and it's not like anyone else's, so why are we judging others when we don't really know their story? Can we please just judging each other and just love and support? Please?

Now onto what I really want to talk about today, I'm struggling, plain and simple. The past few days I have allowed my food addiction to take control again and I feel like I'm spiraling out of control again. This needs to stop today. I have done well during the day and in the late evening, I make an extremely unhealthy food choice. I'm mad at myself for letting the food addiction take control again, but I'm going to fight it tooth and nail. Thankfully, last night I was able to keep my eating under control and I was under my calorie goal, hopefully, tonight I will be that successful as well.

The past few days I have been making excuses because I'm sick,  I "need" to eat that, I shouldn't exercise because I can't do much. Even yesterday morning I was making excuses as to why I wasn't going to workout, well, I nipped that in the bud and took a light 30-minute walk. Sometimes I just want to shake myself and say, 'what in the world are you thinking'? Yes, being sick does make working out more difficult, but I can still walk. When I'm walking, I can't give 100% because I can't breathe all that well, but I can still walk slowly without much difficulty. I'm done making excuses because I won't change myself when I'm making excuses.

Well, I'm off to continue relaxing and make some dinner. I hope that you all have an amazing evening and weekend. Until next time!

~Sara~

Moving Forward

Hi, all!

How are you all doing on this beautiful Tuesday afternoon? I'm doing wonderful today, a little bored, but wonderful nevertheless. Yesterday afternoon I turned in my final paper and presentation, which means that I'm officially done! Now I just need to wait for my grades and I will officially have my Bachelor's degree! :) It feels really strange to be done with my degree, especially since I went from being extremely busy to not having to do anything. So today has been filled with a few new things, which are time-consuming.

I began applying for jobs today, mostly on this freelance data entry and virtual assistant website. However, I also applied for a few online tutor positions as well. I'm hoping that I will get a few of these positions and I can begin saving up money and paying off some bills. Plus, I'm hoping that I'll be able to continue doing these things once I move because they'll offer a more flexible schedule. When I start grad school in September, I'll need a more flexible schedule because of when I have classes.

Also, I wrote out some monthly goals for May and weekly goals. It's been a few months since I wrote down any goals, but I always seem to do better when I'm working toward something. While I was thinking about what I hope to accomplish, I decided to view my yearly goals that I wrote back in December. God, I am not doing so hot thus far, however, I should graduate having a 3.9 GPA for my Bachelor's degree. So that's one goal that will be completed, plus, I will be starting graduate school in September. I have been reading at least 30 minutes/day as well. The rest of my goals haven't been going so well. There is no way that I will get down to 240 lbs because I'd have to lose 73.4 lbs over the next 7 months. It would be amazing to be able to do that, but it would be incredibly unhealthy. My current goal is to get down anywhere between 280 and 260, which would be 1 or 1.5 pounds each week.

My dad closed tonight at work, so I was unable to exercise right away in the morning, and I almost pushed it back until this evening. However, around when I was going to be making lunch, I decided to bite the bullet and get my workout in right then. I still am not able to do a ton, but I did some more walking today and I loved it! While my lunch was in the oven, I walked and it ended up being 53 minutes. Right now, I'm trying to not focus on the calorie burn but the fitness minutes because I'm trying to get back into the routine of exercising again. My hip is definitely feeling it after walking so long, but I'm icing it down and enjoying the burn.

Yesterday, I have a really good day. I got in a 30-minute walk and I was under my calorie goal. Today, I had a great workout and I'm on track to be under my calorie goal again. Last night I did have a snack, some delicious homemade applesauce that my grandmother made. So, what I chose was lower calorie at least. I know that at times my food addiction will be more difficult, but if I want to overcome this, I need to put in the work now.

Well, I'm off, hopefully, tomorrow I'll have more positive news to report. I hope that you all have a wonderful evening. Until next time!

~Sara~

Update and Addiction

Hi, all!

How are you all today? I'm sorry it has been so long since my last post, 10 weeks. Eek! Sadly, not a ton of things have happened since then, but I do have some very exciting news. I have just a couple days until I graduate with my Bachelor's degree, May 3rd is the official final day! :) Plus, I went out to Seattle for my grad school interview and just a few days later, I found out that I was accepted! So, by September at the latest, I'll be moving out to Seattle.

April 2015

I need to be honest about some now, over the past months I have gained back almost all of the weight I had lost. I'm incredibly disappointed in myself and now I have to start over again. This morning, I looked at my weight chart over the past 90 days and it has been a gradual increase. On February 1st, I weighed 295.2 lbs and yesterday I weighed 313.4 lbs. How have I gained 18 lbs since February?!? That is only 12 weeks, what did I do to myself? A few weeks ago I was visiting my best friend and I saw just how much I let myself go. She loves taking pictures, so she did and I looked so big. I didn't realize that I looked this big again, I almost cried when I saw the photos. I tried to make a change, but it just didn't happen. Then on Saturday I got another unwanted, reality check, I'm up a clothing size and I'm not happy about it. Don't get me wrong, the clothes I bought are super cute, but I'm supposed to be going down in size, not up. Hopefully, these were the reality checks I needed and I'll be able to get back on track again. I have hope because my weigh-in yesterday showed a loss of .2 lbs from the week before. It wasn't a huge loss, but it's a step in the right direction.

Today I worked out for the first time since the beginning of February. I haven't been able to do a lot because I've had an issue with my hip for almost a week, but I wanted to get back into the routine of exercising. All I did was walk with 2lb weights in my hands, but it was still a workout. Honestly, I'm starting from scratch and it saddens me because I use to be able to do so much. Today I was winded after walking for 30 minutes, but at least I'm starting now and not after I gain any more weight. Tomorrow I'm going to walk again and I'll work myself up to more, as I did before.

The final thing that I need to say is going to be the hardest. Time to come clean and admit something to me and everyone else. I am addicted to food and use it as a crutch. I eat not only when I'm hungry, but when I'm bored, anxious, depressed, happy, and every other time. I don't use food to simply nourish my body, I use it to make myself feel better. It's like any other addiction, I crave it to make myself feel better and not because I need it. I'm trying to work through my addiction and have a different relationship with food. This isn't something that will happen overnight and I will have times where I give in and don't accomplish what I hope to, but I will never stop fighting. Changing my mindset is the first thing I have to do, so that's the plan. Plus, I'm going to try to eat less processed foods and more fruits, vegetables and lean proteins.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm off to put the finishing touches on my final and then do some planning for the week. I hope that you all have a wonderful day! Until next time!

~Sara~

Petition has been filed (Day 537)

Hi all!

Happy Tuesday! How is everyone doing today? It's another dreary day here, not rainy/snowy but not sunny by any means. Thankfully it's not too cold, just about 30 right now and it's suppose to be in the mid-30's this week. I cannot wait until spring is here, I'm tried of all this stupid snow. Even though it's colder outside, I'm sitting in here with my delicious cup of coffee and savoring every sip. :) Yesterday I didn't get to catch up on as many blogs as I had hoped (and I currently have almost 1000 unread blogs, this is going to take me awhile), but hopefully today I can catch up on some more because I have all of my homework finished for this week. All I can do is wait until my classmates post their discussions and then respond to them. 

This afternoon I was so relieved. I received an email from my universities financial aid office saying that my loan went through so my account is no longer on hold! I was so worried about this because I couldn't register for next sessions classes while on hold. Now I should be all set financially for this next session as well. That is a major relief off my shoulders, because I was quite worried about it. 

Oh, I have amazing news. After I posted yesterday, I went to the post office and sent off the petition for Abid's visa! Ah!! The process is starting now. It should be in the mail today and the office should receive it later this week or next week. I'm nervous, excited, anxious, all feelings like those! Abid was able to come online this morning and I was able to tell him (and I was beyond excited when I saw that he came on Skype).   He was so excited when I told him that I sent in the petition. Oh my goodness, it was so amazing being able to see him again. I hadn't seen him in 33 (long) days, you have no idea how wonderful it was. We didn't get to talk long, only 15 minutes because he was very tired after a long bus ride, but at least we got to see each other. :)

Yesterday on my SparkPeople blog, I posted a little review since my last posting there (about 3 weeks ago). But why I'm telling you all this is because I want to go over the review of my 2013 goals and how I'm doing with them so far. So here is what I posted on that blog yesterday about my goals: 

I'm well on my way to reaching my goal of 250 pounds by the end of the year. I'm currently at 285.4, so I'm 35.4 pounds away from that currently. The carb cycling should help lower my body fat percentage. I'm working out more consistently again and lifting more. Honestly, I don't think I'll be able to walk a 5K in under 45 minutes, but we'll see. I'm close to being down a clothing size already. I haven't completed the 30DS yet, because of a few injuries, but I will finish it before the year is out. I've been doing great with my water intake, at least 100 oz every day. 

This carb cycling is workings wonders, not only on the scale but also with how I'm feeling. It don't remember the last time I've snacked in the evening. I'm feeling fuller more often and so much more satisfied. This is such an amazing feeling. Before I started carb cycling, every day I would have an inner war with myself over food. Eating when I'm stressed, sad, happy, bored, etc... I never felt satisfied. And usually I would give into my cravings and feel guilty afterwards. I've been at this for about a week and a half and I haven't had those feelings even once. You all have no idea how much this means to me, it brings me to tears. I've fought and fought and fought with food my entire life, and I finally feel like I have a positive relationship with it. It's a wonderful feeling. But anywho... Here's the recap of yesterday:

Type	Carbs	Protein	Fats
Total	171	342	142
Used	146	206	50
Left	25	136	92

I'm getting the hang of these low carb days and my protein levels are getting much better. I was super low on my fats yesterday, but it is what it is. This morning I got in a nice 1.35 mile walk while on the phone with one of my friends. :) It was nice and I feel great. Tomorrow I'm starting to increase my mileage though, the goal for tomorrow is 1.75 miles and then 2 miles on Friday. Plus some upper body strength training.

Well it's time to fix some lunch, watch some baseball and get caught up on all those blogs. Have a wonderful day everyone! So until next time.

~Sara~