2016, New Year, New Me

Hi, all!

Happy Thursday! How are you all? I haven’t written in so long, so I’m not sure if anyone is still listening. My last post was in August, which means it’s been five months. Honestly, though, I haven’t been posting regularly since the end of May/beginning of June. There are a variety of reasons that I haven’t posted in so long, including that grad school has kept me insanely busy and that sometimes things simply were not going well, so I didn’t post. I have definitely had my ups and downs over the past five months, no doubt about it. My winter break just ended and so many times I thought about posting. I had all of these thoughts in my head about what to say, but I never wrote them down. My problem is that I have so much to say and sometimes I don’t know how to articulate those thoughts.

On Monday, I returned to Seattle after spending 3 weeks in Wisconsin with my family for my winter break. It was a wonderful trip, I didn’t realize how much I missed my family until I saw them again, it was definitely bittersweet coming back and having to leave again. After being back with my family for a few weeks, I realize that after I graduate, I may want to return to Wisconsin to work. The time that I have to make this decision is far from now, so I definitely have some time, however, it is something that I will be thinking about a great deal.

Yesterday, I began my second quarter of grad school. It is hard to believe that I’m a quarter closer to being done, only 10 quarters left. I know that my time at SPU will go by quickly and I need to learn as much as I can from my professors and colleagues. It seems like I just started college and here I am with an associate’s degree, bachelor’s degree and working toward my master’s degree, time flies. Honestly, it feels like I just graduated from high school and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. At the same time, it feels like high school was so long ago, which, depending on your definition of long, it has been. By the end of this school year, I will have been out of high school for 8 years, which is a scary thought. Nevertheless, here I am almost 8 years later, in grad school, with two degrees under my belt already. Life is definitely a journey.    

Now it’s time in this ridiculously long post, to share some of the not so positive things that have happened over the past five months. I wish that I could say that everything in my life is perfect and that I stayed on track with my fitness and nutrition over the past months. Sadly, I need to report the exact opposite. I have not made healthy food choices and I have done a very little exercise. This has caused me to gain back all of the weight that I lost and then some. It is really hard for me to admit this but my weight is up to 321, a new high. I promised myself that I would never see a ‘3’ as the first number of my weight again, but here I am. For a while, I simply stopped caring and let my food cravings take over. I didn’t step on the scale and I avoided looking at my body, besides seeing if my clothing looked okay. Then when I was in Wisconsin, I went to the doctor and I had to step on the scale. I knew that I hadn’t been doing well but I never thought that I would have gained so much weight. When I saw that number on the scale I almost cried because never in my life did I imagine that I would weigh 321 pounds. At the rate I was going, I was just killing myself slowly.

To be honest, I have been really struggling with my food choices. Food has taken over my life again and it is so hard to try and stop. There have been days where I would try to make healthier food choices and I did for part of the day but then toward the end, I was just so hungry. It goes to show how many calories I had been eating, though, it was a very high number. So, I am now trying to plan out meals that are lower in calories and have healthy ingredients. I am hoping that if I eat lower calories foods I’ll be able to eat more of them and that will trick my body into not being so hungry. For Christmas, my mom gave me her old crock pot, so I’m searching for a lot of healthy recipes. I know that doing some meal planning will help me each day and also will help me when I am grocery shopping. I’m hoping that it will help me stop buying all these foods that I don’t need for my meals.

I have written out some weekly, monthly and yearly goals, so that is a step in the right direction. At this point, I’m not going to share my specific goals because some of them are quite personal, but I will share my major goals. I need to simply make healthier food choices, reduce my calories and start working out more again. My most important goal is to break the unhealthy habits that I have created. If I don’t break these habits, my health will deteriorate. My health and life are more important and precious than the foods I desire.

Well, there you have it, I have shared everything that I need to. Life is about to get busy again because my classes have started up again, but I promise that I will start posting on a regular basis. I don’t know how many people read my posts but I hope that my honesty can help at least one person continue on with their journey. If nothing else, sharing what I am going through helps to keep me accountable and that is definitely something that I need. This is a long and hard journey and I need to keep myself going strong along the way. I hope that you all are having an absolutely wonderful beginning to your new year! This New Year is a clean slate for each of us and we can start over. Honestly, I believe that each day is a new beginning and we can become whoever we wish to be, all it takes is a little hard work and perseverance. We can do this! I promise that I’ll post again soon. Until next time!

~Sara~ 

First Weigh-In of 2015

Hi all!

Happy Thursday and happy 2015! :) Did you all have a good new year's eve? Mine was incredibly boring, just as I imagined. Sat at home, talked to my best friend on the phone and did some reading. In other words, it was a pretty typical Wednesday night. :) Oh and I also watched something on TV that my favorite singer/actor participated in and it was spectacular. He helped sing a medley of Frank Sinatra songs, it doesn't get much better than that! What did you all do to ring in the New Year? 

Last night I made some questionable food choices, not my smartest move, but it's alright. I stepped on the scale for my first weigh-in of the year (it's a weigh-in date for the challenge I'm participating in) and I was happy with my result. I lost .8 pounds since my last weigh-in and surpassed my goal for this weigh-in. In fact, I am already past my goal for the next weigh-in :) I could easily adjust my goals for the challenge, however, I sort of want to see where I'll be at the end of the challenge. So for now I'm leaving my goals where they are and hopefully I will continue this trend. I also took my measurements this morning and I have those recorded. I'm excited to see those numbers change as I add more strength training to my regimen. 

Starting Weight: 315 lbs

Last Weight: 293.2 lbs

Current Weight: 292.4 lbs

Weight Lost: 22.6 lbs

I think I may try to starting walking again soon. I'm not completely over my sickness, not by a long shot, but it isn't getting any worse. Not to mention that I am anxious to start working out again, especially to try my new equipment. I also read in a medical journal that when you have a cold, light walking is actually good for you. So, either later today or tomorrow morning, I'll be starting to walk again. It'll be light but I may add my new ankle weights, just to test them out. :) 

This morning I was doing a great deal of thinking, mostly about my life in general. One of the major thoughts that kept reappearing was about how often times I give up what I want, in order to please someone else's wishes. Anyone who really knows me, knows that I am definitely a people pleaser. I am passive, so 99% of the time, I won't speak up if something is bothering me. This is definitely not a new development, I have been this way for as long as I remember. I don't voice my opinion or the things I need because I don't want it to cause a fight or argument. Believe me, I try to avoid those at all costs, even if it means giving something up. Why do I have to give up the things that I truly desire and need? Just because I am passive does not mean that I shouldn't stand up for myself. So, 2015 is going to be the year that I focus on myself and stand up for what I need. No more being pushed aside and being shoved to the back burner. I will put my needs first, physically and emotionally.  

Okay, well I'm off. I hope you all have a wonderful day. Until next time!

~Sara~

Reflection and New Beginnings

Hi all!

Happy Wednesday and last day of the year! I cannot believe that it is the final day of 2014. This year has absolutely flown by,they always seem to. Tomorrow marks a fresh start, a new year. That's the joy of our lives, each day is a clean slate and we can start anew. It is a definite blessing. Man, let me tell you, many days I need that fresh start. 

How are you all going to be ringing in the new year? I'll be at home and will probably be ringing in the new year with a book. Boring, right?!? Oh well, that's my life. I'm not a huge drinker and going out to a bar or party isn't really my scene. 

Thinking about the new year approaching, makes me think about resolutions. Do any of you make New Year's resolutions? Personally, I don't because I have read the research and it's astonishing how few of those resolutions are accomplished. I do understand why people make these resolutions, they want to make a change and better their life. Honestly, how many of us have made a New Year's resolution to lose weight? Stop drinking or smoking? Save money? Get married or in a serious relationship? The list could go on forever. I wonder how much money gyms make this time of year? It must be staggering. Do you know how many times in the past I have made a resolution to lose weight and keep it off? More than I'd like to admit, that's how many times. And here I am, coming in to 2015 and I am still trying to lose weight and keep it off. If you think about it, a resolution is no different from the goals I wrote about yesterday. There are zero differences between them. However, to me, I am more likely to strive to reach my goal than to reach my resolution. Don't ask me why, that's just how my mind works. And let me tell you, my mind is definitely crazy and all over the place. :) 

Anyways... goals (resolutions) are absolutely wonderful, I definitely promote coming up with goals for yourself. I do this on a monthly basis, at the very least, many times it's a weekly thing for me. We all have big goals that we want to achieve, my big goal is to lose between 150 and 160 pounds. That is a huge goal, believe me, it looks impossible on paper. This is why, smaller goals are important as well. When I break it up into, losing 1 pound/week or 4 pounds/month, that is much more achievable. Not to mention, it keeps me motivated. It makes me so sad when I read some individuals goals and I see how unrealistic they are, these individuals will probably not achieve what they hope to. My heart breaks for them, when they don't achieve their goals and then they lose hope and just give up. All too often we set ourselves up for failure though, by setting the bar way too high. Believe me, I have set myself up for failure numerous times, that's when I fell off the weight loss wagon and gained weight. People, here is my hearts desire for all of you: DO NOT SET YOURSELF UP FOR FAILURE. Please, please, please, set reasonable and achievable goals for yourself. Your emotional well-being will thank you. 

Okay, now onto my reflections of 2014. It has been quite the year, that's for sure. There have been many highs and lows, like always. Overall though, it has been a great year. I have been relatively healthy, no major illnesses. I have some amazing friends. My family is pretty great (most of the time). And I am only 5 months away from graduating with my Bachelor's degree. Although I can't wait for certain aspects of my life to change in the coming year, life is good. I am definitely blessed.

Ha, before I started this post, I thought it was going to be a short, little thing. Well, so much for that. I should know myself better than that, I write way too much most of the time. :) That's my detail-oriented brain, for ya. Oh well, it could be worse, I suppose. Here are my final thoughts for this year and looking ahead. 

My hope for the upcoming year is that I will live and love with abandon. I will love myself unconditionally, no matter my weight and clothing size. I will take whatever life throws at me and enjoy it. I will take risks. Most importantly, I will live with no regrets. I'm in my mid-20's for goodness sake. Now is the time to live life to the fullest, with no regrets. Yes, I'll make mistakes, but I'll own them. How will I ever learn if I don't try new things? My aspirations for the year are high, who knows what will happen? Only time will tell. Hopefully, I'll be starting a new chapter of my life in 2015: moving across the country and beginning graduate school. I'll meet new people and maybe if I'm lucky, I'll fall in love. No matter what happens though, I'm looking forward to the adventure that lies ahead.

Tomorrow begins a new adventure, enjoy the ride folks. For me, tomorrow also holds the first weigh-in and measurements session of the year. Hopefully I'll be posting my weigh-in and measurements tomorrow, otherwise I'll post that update on Friday for sure. I hope that you all have an absolutely wonderful and safe New Year's eve and ultimately a great 2015. Catch you all next year ;) Until next time!

~Sara~

Yearly Goals

Hi all!

Happy Tuesday! How are you all doing today? It is freaking freezing out right now, where did these below zero temperatures come from? I am SO over winter, it can be done at any time. This sickness is really starting to get on my nerves and its only been 4 days. :( It's really having an effect on my appetite and that's not a good thing. I've had to force myself to eat the past few days at pretty much every meal time. I'm trying my hardest to get in enough calories each day. Well, my weigh-in on Friday should go well at least. 

I cannot believe it is almost the end of December already, which means it will be 2015. Coming in to a new year means that I need to review my goals of 2014 and write up my goals for the upcoming year. When I was reading through my 2014 goals, it made me incredibly sad. It was definitely not a good year in regards to accomplishing my goals. The difference in my weight makes me the most sad though, I looked at my records and I gained 20 pounds since January 1st. My goal was to lose weight and I gained 20 pounds!?! This is just one of the many ways of showing that a weight loss journey is a lifelong thing. It takes a great deal of work, daily, and it is not for the faint at heart. Let's be honest, losing weight is freaking hard. Just because I know what I need to do to lose weight, doesn't automatically mean that I'll do those things every day. Sometimes I don't get to exercise, for whatever reason. Other times I make unhealthy food choices or choose to eat more than I need to be eating. But that's life, we have to enjoy it and live with our choices, good and bad.  

Anyways, here are my 2015 yearly goals:

1. Get down to 240 pounds (-53 lbs from today)

2. Get into a strength training routine - at least 3 days/week

3. Work out at least 4 days/week for at least 30 minutes

4. Make healthy food choices

5. Drink at least 100 oz. of water/day

6. Keep a positive attitude

7. Stay motivated

8. Never give up

9. Blog at least 3 posts/week

10. Take time to read - at least 30 minutes/daily

11. Graduate B.S. in Psychology with at least a 3.9 GPA

12. Begin graduate school 

I'm going to weigh-in on Friday (as I said before) and also take my measurements. I'll make sure to do a post that day to share my results for not only my weigh-in but the past year in general. Plus, I'll be looking ahead at 2015 and probably writing about my monthly goals. This is where I'll end things off today though. See you all again, Friday at the latest. I hope you all have a wonderful day. Until next time!

~Sara~

Happy New Year and Life Update

Hi all!

*Looks around shyly* Wow, it has been way too long since I have last posted... Honestly, I am somewhat ashamed of myself for not posting in so long but life has been crazy. But God, I have missed blogging and it's a new year, so I want to start things up again. Do you know a big reason why I decided to start blogging again? It's somewhat silly but it's the truth, I was reading this Glee fan-fiction today (I'm still in the process of reading it) and one of the main characters is a blogger. Reading about it just made me miss blogging even more and gave me the push to start it up again. 

First things first, how are you all? Oh, and Happy New Year! Can you believe it's 2014 already?!? How many of you make New Year's resolutions? Care to share any of them? I make them to an extent, but I don't like calling them New Year's resolutions. To me, those are broken too often and people make the exact same ones every year. So I call them my yearly goals and some of them are lifetime goals, to be honest. Here they are:

Get my eating back on track

      Get into an exercise routine

      Pay off all of what’s past due and begin classes again

      Save more money this year

      Don’t sweat the small stuff

      Be open minded and try new things

      Put others first

      Meet new people

      Start cooking again

      Communication

      Focus on the important things

      Find a better paying job and keep it

      Be the light

      Make Amanda proud

      Become the person I hope to be

      Just be happy

      Keep moving forward and never give up

      Decide where to get my Master’s

Okay, so here's the part where I talk about everything that has been happening since the end of July. Get ready for a short novel:

First, I moved back home to Wisconsin. As you may or may not know, my job out in Colorado didn't work out and I wasn't able to find another one. :( At the end of August, my parents came out to get home and we went home. Did I tell you all that I wasn't doing well physically starting toward the end of July? I honestly don't remember, but I'll tell you now either way. It was bad, one day I just got this bad headache (it was pretty much a migraine) and was feeling extreme dizziness. Things just continually got worse over the next few months and the dizziness didn't go away until November, I believe it was. The headaches are still here but I'm trying to handle them and it's much easier without the dizziness. But it was to the point where I could barely do anything, I honestly just laid in bed all day in the dark and the only sound was my fan. 

God, those last few weeks in Colorado were bad. My debit card number had been stolen and so they had to shut it down and I didn't have access to any money. This was horrible because I barely had any food in my house. The last few days before my parents came to get me, I was only able to eat a few tablespoons of peanut butter each day. I lost a lot of weight in August (sadly I've gained it all back and then some now), I was down about 15 pounds or so that month. Once my mom got there, she bought a little food so we could eat and I ended up getting sick because I was finally eating properly again. It was not a fun drive back to Wisconsin with how I was feeling. The second day, we had to postpone leaving by over an hour because of how horrible I felt. 

Second, I broke up with my ex-fiancé back in the beginning of October. It was a difficult decision but then again, it wasn't. I loved him, no doubt about it but there was something deep down inside where I knew that it wasn't right. The main problem was that we would have to get married within 90 days of him being here and I just wasn't comfortable with that idea. You know, what if we wouldn't have hit it off in person? I wanted to be able to actually date someone in person and get to know them, spend time with them and ultimately get engaged and married but not on the government's time frame for us. Also there was something that hurt me, I guess you could say, and it played a big role in why I broke things off. There were many times where I would ask him, "why do you love me?" and he couldn't give me a concrete reason. Nothing, not a single physical or emotional trait. I could list off so many things for him but he couldn't even give me one. It hurt me and caused me to doubt his "love" for me. I honestly thought he and I were done communicating, but them on Christmas he messaged me on Facebook and said some horrible things. Not the best way to start my holiday, but it is what it is, I suppose. 

Third, I started babysitting my youngest two nieces (the twins) for my brother and sister-in-law during the day because my SIL got a job with the school where my mom teaches. The pay isn't wonderful but at least I have a little extra cash and I get to spend time with two of my favorite little girls every week. :) Don't get me wrong, those little girls can be handful sometimes but I wouldn't trade this for the world. I never got to bond with my nephew like this and you can tell. It saddens me honestly, he loves me but he'd much rather spend time with other family members. Not my girl’s though, they love their aunt Sara. I will never regret being able to spend so much time with them and building the relationship that we have. 

Fourth, I haven't been able to take classes for months and it's killing me! Why you ask? Well, I have to pay off this past due amount from this past semester and the summer semester, but I can't take classes again until it's completely payed off. Honestly, it makes me mad. I have a butt-load of financial aid available to me for this spring semester and I probably won't even be able to use it because of the payments that I have to make. Why on earth can my financial aid not just go into paying that off what I owe and then I can take classes again? I'm already a semester behind in my plan because of the stupid headaches/dizziness that I had last year and this is only pushing me back even further. I was supposed to be graduating in May of this year and now I have no idea when graduation will come. All I want is to be taking classes again, ugh!!

Finally, we get to December; it was a freaking crazy month, in both positive and negative ways. I might as well start with the negative. On December 12, my grandmother (dad's mom) had a massive heart attack and was in the ICU, it didn't look good right away. We were told to go and say our goodbyes, I was never close to her, but it brought back memories from Amanda's death. But things started to look up, she had a really good night and we were hopeful. Sadly, things took a turn for the worst and she died the next day (Friday the 13th). It turned out that she never really took good care of herself, she always put others first, especially my grandfather. His health hasn't been the greatest for a while, it stressed her out a lot, and I have no doubts that it played a role in her death. Her funeral was on December 18th and it was hard. Honestly, I feel bad. Her death wasn't hard for me because it was her that died, but it was because the last death and funeral I experienced was Amanda's. Does that make me a bad granddaughter? 

Anyways, the next day (the 19th) was my father's birthday. Amazingly, my dad's taking his mom's death really well. But when we were at the hospital the day of her heart attack it was tough. It was the first time I ever remember seeing my father and grandfather cry. That was also the day that I saw my grandparents be affectionate around us, which never happened. They had been married for 60 years and 1 month so they just knew how they felt and didn't show it around other people. Anyways, back to the crying thing. When my mom and I got to the hospital I saw tears in my dad's eyes, I had literally never seen him cry before, my mom told me about 2 other times that he's cried (that she knows of) and they both involved me. The first was at my birth and the second was after my car accident. It was really tough, that in itself made me start to cry. You know, my mom and I may not see eye to eye with everything but I love her so much and I can't even imagine losing her. My grandmother's death did have good things become of it though. My brother and I rode of the burial site together and we just talked, that doesn't happen often. It made me realize even more just how much my brother means to me and how much I miss him. 

Okay, enough sadness, now onto the happiness that December has brought me. A few days before my dad's birthday I got a text from this person who I hadn't really talked to in a few years. He's a complete sweetheart. You know, I never gave him a chance a few years ago because we're different. He is a country boy, through and through and I'm definitely not country. Jeremy's a farmer, he lives out in the country, listens to country music, very much into agriculture and pretty much anything country. Anyone who knows me knows that I am the exact opposite of that. I'm a city girl (maybe not a big city but city nevertheless) and I try to be more sophisticated and I love musicals, Broadway, and that sort of thing. Long story short, I never gave him a chance because I judged him based on petty things. Well, I'm giving him a chance this time around. We started dating on my dad's birthday and I really like him. :) He makes me happy and it's nice to be able to spend time with him in person and also through texting. We're still learning about each other but it's going good so far. I'm excited to see where this is heading and who knows, maybe I have a future with him. 

This topic is one that needs to be address but I really don't want to. My weight loss (or gain in my case, currently). Even since my headaches/dizziness, I haven't been doing well. At first, I wasn't eating enough and I almost down to 250 pounds, which was my goal for this year. However, once I started eating properly again, I gained it all back and then some. I'm not gonna lie, it's pretty depressing. I looked at a chart of my yearly weight loss and I am down about 11 pounds this year and it's better than gaining but it's not what I hoped. In August, I was down to 250.2 and I ended up at 278 to end the year, it's disappointing. Don't get me wrong, a loss is better than a gain, any day of the week and I'm in size 20 pants all around. That's exciting to me, because I'm still 4 pant sizes down from my heaviest and I've still lost weight. I'm not giving up, I'm going to fight to win this battle. 

Starting Weight: 315

Last Weigh-In: 266.8

Current Weight: 278

Total Lost: 37

So, my game plan?

1) Starting counting calories again

2) Begin an exercise routine of some sort (at least 4 days a week)

3) Carb cycling, it helped a ton before and I felt so much better

4) Continue to blog on a consistent basis

5) Come up with a list of goals for this year

6) Just keep fighting no matter what. Never give up

Wow, okay. This turned into a short novel, sorry about that. In my defense, I had a lot to cover. I promise that you all will hear from me again soon! I love you all! So until next time!

~Sara~