Friday, January 3, 2014

Happy New Year and Life Update

Hi all!

*Looks around shyly* Wow, it has been way too long since I have last posted... Honestly, I am somewhat ashamed of myself for not posting in so long but life has been crazy. But God, I have missed blogging and it's a new year, so I want to start things up again. Do you know a big reason why I decided to start blogging again? It's somewhat silly but it's the truth, I was reading this Glee fan-fiction today (I'm still in the process of reading it) and one of the main characters is a blogger. Reading about it just made me miss blogging even more and gave me the push to start it up again. 

First things first, how are you all? Oh, and Happy New Year! Can you believe it's 2014 already?!? How many of you make New Year's resolutions? Care to share any of them? I make them to an extent, but I don't like calling them New Year's resolutions. To me, those are broken too often and people make the exact same ones every year. So I call them my yearly goals and some of them are lifetime goals, to be honest. Here they are:

Get my eating back on track
      Get into an exercise routine
      Pay off all of what’s past due and begin classes again
      Save more money this year
      Don’t sweat the small stuff
      Be open minded and try new things
      Put others first
      Meet new people
      Start cooking again
      Focus on the important things
      Find a better paying job and keep it
      Be the light
      Make Amanda proud
      Become the person I hope to be
      Just be happy
      Keep moving forward and never give up
      Decide where to get my Master’s

Okay, so here's the part where I talk about everything that has been happening since the end of July. Get ready for a short novel:

First, I moved back home to Wisconsin. As you may or may not know, my job out in Colorado didn't work out and I wasn't able to find another one. :( At the end of August, my parents came out to get home and we went home. Did I tell you all that I wasn't doing well physically starting toward the end of July? I honestly don't remember, but I'll tell you now either way. It was bad, one day I just got this bad headache (it was pretty much a migraine) and was feeling extreme dizziness. Things just continually got worse over the next few months and the dizziness didn't go away until November, I believe it was. The headaches are still here but I'm trying to handle them and it's much easier without the dizziness. But it was to the point where I could barely do anything, I honestly just laid in bed all day in the dark and the only sound was my fan. 

God, those last few weeks in Colorado were bad. My debit card number had been stolen and so they had to shut it down and I didn't have access to any money. This was horrible because I barely had any food in my house. The last few days before my parents came to get me, I was only able to eat a few tablespoons of peanut butter each day. I lost a lot of weight in August (sadly I've gained it all back and then some now), I was down about 15 pounds or so that month. Once my mom got there, she bought a little food so we could eat and I ended up getting sick because I was finally eating properly again. It was not a fun drive back to Wisconsin with how I was feeling. The second day, we had to postpone leaving by over an hour because of how horrible I felt. 

Second, I broke up with my ex-fiancĂ© back in the beginning of October. It was a difficult decision but then again, it wasn't. I loved him, no doubt about it but there was something deep down inside where I knew that it wasn't right. The main problem was that we would have to get married within 90 days of him being here and I just wasn't comfortable with that idea. You know, what if we wouldn't have hit it off in person? I wanted to be able to actually date someone in person and get to know them, spend time with them and ultimately get engaged and married but not on the government's time frame for us. Also there was something that hurt me, I guess you could say, and it played a big role in why I broke things off. There were many times where I would ask him, "why do you love me?" and he couldn't give me a concrete reason. Nothing, not a single physical or emotional trait. I could list off so many things for him but he couldn't even give me one. It hurt me and caused me to doubt his "love" for me. I honestly thought he and I were done communicating, but them on Christmas he messaged me on Facebook and said some horrible things. Not the best way to start my holiday, but it is what it is, I suppose. 

Third, I started babysitting my youngest two nieces (the twins) for my brother and sister-in-law during the day because my SIL got a job with the school where my mom teaches. The pay isn't wonderful but at least I have a little extra cash and I get to spend time with two of my favorite little girls every week. :) Don't get me wrong, those little girls can be handful sometimes but I wouldn't trade this for the world. I never got to bond with my nephew like this and you can tell. It saddens me honestly, he loves me but he'd much rather spend time with other family members. Not my girl’s though, they love their aunt Sara. I will never regret being able to spend so much time with them and building the relationship that we have. 

Fourth, I haven't been able to take classes for months and it's killing me! Why you ask? Well, I have to pay off this past due amount from this past semester and the summer semester, but I can't take classes again until it's completely payed off. Honestly, it makes me mad. I have a butt-load of financial aid available to me for this spring semester and I probably won't even be able to use it because of the payments that I have to make. Why on earth can my financial aid not just go into paying that off what I owe and then I can take classes again? I'm already a semester behind in my plan because of the stupid headaches/dizziness that I had last year and this is only pushing me back even further. I was supposed to be graduating in May of this year and now I have no idea when graduation will come. All I want is to be taking classes again, ugh!!

Finally, we get to December; it was a freaking crazy month, in both positive and negative ways. I might as well start with the negative. On December 12, my grandmother (dad's mom) had a massive heart attack and was in the ICU, it didn't look good right away. We were told to go and say our goodbyes, I was never close to her, but it brought back memories from Amanda's death. But things started to look up, she had a really good night and we were hopeful. Sadly, things took a turn for the worst and she died the next day (Friday the 13th). It turned out that she never really took good care of herself, she always put others first, especially my grandfather. His health hasn't been the greatest for a while, it stressed her out a lot, and I have no doubts that it played a role in her death. Her funeral was on December 18th and it was hard. Honestly, I feel bad. Her death wasn't hard for me because it was her that died, but it was because the last death and funeral I experienced was Amanda's. Does that make me a bad granddaughter? 

Anyways, the next day (the 19th) was my father's birthday. Amazingly, my dad's taking his mom's death really well. But when we were at the hospital the day of her heart attack it was tough. It was the first time I ever remember seeing my father and grandfather cry. That was also the day that I saw my grandparents be affectionate around us, which never happened. They had been married for 60 years and 1 month so they just knew how they felt and didn't show it around other people. Anyways, back to the crying thing. When my mom and I got to the hospital I saw tears in my dad's eyes, I had literally never seen him cry before, my mom told me about 2 other times that he's cried (that she knows of) and they both involved me. The first was at my birth and the second was after my car accident. It was really tough, that in itself made me start to cry. You know, my mom and I may not see eye to eye with everything but I love her so much and I can't even imagine losing her. My grandmother's death did have good things become of it though. My brother and I rode of the burial site together and we just talked, that doesn't happen often. It made me realize even more just how much my brother means to me and how much I miss him. 

Okay, enough sadness, now onto the happiness that December has brought me. A few days before my dad's birthday I got a text from this person who I hadn't really talked to in a few years. He's a complete sweetheart. You know, I never gave him a chance a few years ago because we're different. He is a country boy, through and through and I'm definitely not country. Jeremy's a farmer, he lives out in the country, listens to country music, very much into agriculture and pretty much anything country. Anyone who knows me knows that I am the exact opposite of that. I'm a city girl (maybe not a big city but city nevertheless) and I try to be more sophisticated and I love musicals, Broadway, and that sort of thing. Long story short, I never gave him a chance because I judged him based on petty things. Well, I'm giving him a chance this time around. We started dating on my dad's birthday and I really like him. :) He makes me happy and it's nice to be able to spend time with him in person and also through texting. We're still learning about each other but it's going good so far. I'm excited to see where this is heading and who knows, maybe I have a future with him. 

This topic is one that needs to be address but I really don't want to. My weight loss (or gain in my case, currently). Even since my headaches/dizziness, I haven't been doing well. At first, I wasn't eating enough and I almost down to 250 pounds, which was my goal for this year. However, once I started eating properly again, I gained it all back and then some. I'm not gonna lie, it's pretty depressing. I looked at a chart of my yearly weight loss and I am down about 11 pounds this year and it's better than gaining but it's not what I hoped. In August, I was down to 250.2 and I ended up at 278 to end the year, it's disappointing. Don't get me wrong, a loss is better than a gain, any day of the week and I'm in size 20 pants all around. That's exciting to me, because I'm still 4 pant sizes down from my heaviest and I've still lost weight. I'm not giving up, I'm going to fight to win this battle. 

Starting Weight: 315
Last Weigh-In: 266.8
Current Weight: 278
Total Lost: 37

So, my game plan?

1) Starting counting calories again
2) Begin an exercise routine of some sort (at least 4 days a week)
3) Carb cycling, it helped a ton before and I felt so much better
4) Continue to blog on a consistent basis
5) Come up with a list of goals for this year
6) Just keep fighting no matter what. Never give up

Wow, okay. This turned into a short novel, sorry about that. In my defense, I had a lot to cover. I promise that you all will hear from me again soon! I love you all! So until next time!


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