Monday, April 27, 2015

Update and Addiction

Hi, all!

How are you all today? I'm sorry it has been so long since my last post, 10 weeks. Eek! Sadly, not a ton of things have happened since then, but I do have some very exciting news. I have just a couple days until I graduate with my Bachelor's degree, May 3rd is the official final day! :) Plus, I went out to Seattle for my grad school interview and just a few days later, I found out that I was accepted! So, by September at the latest, I'll be moving out to Seattle.

April 2015
I need to be honest about some now, over the past months I have gained back almost all of the weight I had lost. I'm incredibly disappointed in myself and now I have to start over again. This morning, I looked at my weight chart over the past 90 days and it has been a gradual increase. On February 1st, I weighed 295.2 lbs and yesterday I weighed 313.4 lbs. How have I gained 18 lbs since February?!? That is only 12 weeks, what did I do to myself? A few weeks ago I was visiting my best friend and I saw just how much I let myself go. She loves taking pictures, so she did and I looked so big. I didn't realize that I looked this big again, I almost cried when I saw the photos. I tried to make a change, but it just didn't happen. Then on Saturday I got another unwanted, reality check, I'm up a clothing size and I'm not happy about it. Don't get me wrong, the clothes I bought are super cute, but I'm supposed to be going down in size, not up. Hopefully, these were the reality checks I needed and I'll be able to get back on track again. I have hope because my weigh-in yesterday showed a loss of .2 lbs from the week before. It wasn't a huge loss, but it's a step in the right direction.

Today I worked out for the first time since the beginning of February. I haven't been able to do a lot because I've had an issue with my hip for almost a week, but I wanted to get back into the routine of exercising. All I did was walk with 2lb weights in my hands, but it was still a workout. Honestly, I'm starting from scratch and it saddens me because I use to be able to do so much. Today I was winded after walking for 30 minutes, but at least I'm starting now and not after I gain any more weight. Tomorrow I'm going to walk again and I'll work myself up to more, as I did before.

The final thing that I need to say is going to be the hardest. Time to come clean and admit something to me and everyone else. I am addicted to food and use it as a crutch. I eat not only when I'm hungry, but when I'm bored, anxious, depressed, happy, and every other time. I don't use food to simply nourish my body, I use it to make myself feel better. It's like any other addiction, I crave it to make myself feel better and not because I need it. I'm trying to work through my addiction and have a different relationship with food. This isn't something that will happen overnight and I will have times where I give in and don't accomplish what I hope to, but I will never stop fighting. Changing my mindset is the first thing I have to do, so that's the plan. Plus, I'm going to try to eat less processed foods and more fruits, vegetables and lean proteins.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm off to put the finishing touches on my final and then do some planning for the week. I hope that you all have a wonderful day! Until next time!


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