Thursday, May 24, 2012

Why, just why

I've been thinking this morning. Thinking about my past and how it's affected my future. I don't regret anything that I've done because it's brought me to where I am today. But, why did I do this to myself? Why did I let my weight get this out of control? I mean, I've never been small by any sense of the imagination. Even when I was born I was 8 lbs 14 oz and 3 weeks early. Within the past 4 years, my weight has just gotten out of control. How did I let myself get to be 315 pounds? Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I'd hit 300 pounds, and I was 15 pounds heavier than that.

I just don't know why I didn't try to fix this earlier. The lowest weight that I've been in my adult life is 250 pounds. That's ridiculous! Don't get me wrong, I'm tall so the weight spreads pretty evenly but it's still ridiculous. Back during my senior year I weighed 250 pounds, why didn't I start trying to lose weight then? If I had, who knows where I'd be today. Sadly, I do know one reason why I didn't start to diet and exercise. That was the year that my best friend died and about 9 months to a year later is when I could actually function again. As I look back, since then is when I had put on  65 pounds.

That event has really taught me things though, as horrible as it was. There were moments that I didn't think that I could go on. There were times that I prayed for God to just take me because I didn't see my worth and I didn't think that life could go on without my best friend. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments when I've had a really bad day and I just want her to be here to talk or to give me a hug. But I know that everything happens for a reason and God doesn't give us things that we can't handle. They are all learning experiences and it's our job to change ourselves based upon what we've learned. Now the biggest thing that I have learned from that experience is that I am incredibly strong. And I don't mean physically, but emotionally. Being able to get through and move on with my life after this tragic accident. Not everyone would be able to do that.

This morning I was doing some strength training and I "tried" to do some sit-ups. And I cannot wait until I can do a sit-up and not struggle to barley lift my head off the ground. My core has to be one of the weakest parts of me. I'm working on it and I have to lose a lot of fat off of it but I'm getting it strong in the mean time. Also, I cannot wait to get to the point where I'm not breathing hard after walking up the stairs. I'm getting closer to that already. :) My friends are all pretty active, and I am heaviest of all of us by far. And so many times I don't participate in all of the stuff just because I know that I'll be out of breath. I can't wait to be able to do everything that my friends are doing without any problem. I'll reach all of these goals soon, I know that I will.

I may know a reason why I never stuck with trying to lose weight before, until I started my journey 8 months ago, I really wasn't in the right mind set. I am finally at a point in my life where I know that I have worth without having a man in my life. And for so many years, pretty much from 2006-2011I relied so much on guy's approval. That was one of the stupidest things that I have ever done! No man will really love me until I love myself. And I have heard from many guys that confidence is one of the most attractive things. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have a man in my life but I'm content right now. And I'm all ready to wait on God's timing. Finally, I am happy with myself. Even though I haven't reached my goal yet, I am on my way. 21 pounds may not seem like a lot, especially when I still want to lose 134 more but it's helped my confidence so much. I can't even begin to describe how much. I'm at a point in my life where things are good, I love my life.

I know that I'm still at the beginning of my weight loss journey and I have a long way to go but it's a start. Things will only get better from here. And I won't give up. Until next time.


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