October Goals

Hi, all!

Sorry for the lack of posts the last few days, it's been fairly busy for me. I usually like to write these posts before my husband gets out of bed and he has been waking up with me in the morning or right after my morning workout. Plus, two of my friends are in town, so we have been seeing them in the mornings. Happy October! This is probably my favorite month of the year because it's colder, which for me means, jeggings, cardigan, and boots weather! I adore the 50-60 degree weather! This almost means that I start slower in the morning because of the arthritis and fibromyalgia. Oh well.

As I said above, I have been working out in the mornings. I walk and have my coffee before I do anything else. It is an amazing way to start the day and helps put me in the right mindset for the rest of the day. These colder mornings my walks start a little slower because of my stiff joints. Oh, the life of someone with arthritis and fibromyalgia. I never thought that at 27 I would have these two conditions but these are the cards I was dealt.

I had a very emotional and rough few days. Earlier this week I lost all of my school work and I was 3 weeks ahead, so it was horrid. I went to turn a few assignments in at the beginning of the week and they were all gone. After this happened, I had a few panic attacks and then hunkered down and started redoing the assignments. At this point, I am a week ahead but hopefully, I can get further ahead again. On Wednesday, I went to my doctor and talked more in-depth about my eating disorder. Unfortunately, he does not know a ton about eating disorders so he referred me to someone who specializes in them. I am a-okay with that but unfortunately, I cannot get in to see her until November 14th! That was hard to hear because I can no longer do this alone. I need help from this specialist and I still have to wait a month and a half to see her. It is honestly disheartening. Then on Thursday morning, I was called back to the doctor because he wanted to have my blood pressure checked again. Apparently, it was high when I had seen him the day before and he wanted to have it checked. Well, I go in and have my blood pressure taken twice after I had been sitting for awhile. It was still high both times the nurse took it. So now tomorrow, I have to go back to the doctor and start treatment for high blood pressure. :/ I have never had weight-related conditions before and now since June, I have two. After I received the call on Friday that I need to start treatment for high blood pressure, I broke down. There have been so many other things that happened this week that I was stressed about and then this as the cherry on top. I honestly thought that I was going to binge on Friday but I didn't!! This means I am going on 12 days binge free!

Monthly Goals:

1. Lose 8 pounds (2 lbs/week)
2. Walk 30 minutes/day
3. Eat within my calorie goal each day (Not too high or too low!)
4. Track everything that goes in my mouth
5. Start treatment for high blood pressure and stick to it
6. Stay positive
7. Continue to stay binge free

Weekly Goals:
1. Lose 2 pounds
2. Walk 30 minutes/day
3. Eat within my calorie goal each day (Not too high or too low!)
4. Track everything that goes in my mouth
5. Start treatment for high blood pressure and stick to it
6. Stay positive
7. Continue to stay binge free

One problem I have been having is that when I do eat well, I do not get enough calories. My calorie goal is set for me to lose 2 pounds each week. That is 1990 in calories. I have been eating an average of 1650 in calories but after my exercise, the net calories have only been around 1000 calories. I have been looking at my numbers and I am set to lose over 4 pounds. Don't get me wrong, it won't kill me to lose 4 pounds in one week and I know things will even out but I need to get into the routine of eating at my calorie goal and not a few hundred calories under it and then burning 600-1000 calories through exercise. I never thought I would have this problem. Oh well.

Time to getting working on my school work. Until next time!

~Sara~

BED Confessions and 1-week Binge Free

Hi, all!

The day is finally here when it is cooler! We have a high of 65 and it is absolutely gorgeous out right now. Okay, so last night was horrible. I was having this horrendous urges to binge and I had such a hard time fighting them off. I could not fight off the urges but I did not binge, at least not in my eyes. I had already eaten to my calorie goal of 1990, but I could not fight off the urges. So I did eat a little something and that amazingly enough tided me over and made the binge thoughts disappear. I had 2383 calories but that was still under my exercise calories for the day. So, all-in-all, I am calling it a win. And even if it would not have been under my exercise calories for the day, it was still a deficit for me. One thing I have realized is that I cannot be so hard on myself. I will have better days than others and yesterday was one of the others. Not every day will be perfect and that is okay.

Until next time.

~Sara~

Goals and Overcoming Challenges

Hi, all!

How are you all today? It's a pretty nice day here, the upper 70s - low 80s, and tomorrow it's supposed to be 65! Tomorrow is the day that I have been waiting for and it's almost here. I cannot describe how excited I am.

Yesterday was a rough day for me in many ways but I am happy to say that I did not binge. I am 6 days binge free and today is 1 week since my last binge! Yesterday I was close to bingeing far too many times but I was able to fight against them and I won. One thing that I tried to keep in my mind when I wanted to binge was that it would not make my problem(s) better. Bingeing would not make the disappeared school documents reappear. It would not take away my anxiety and panic. In fact, it would only have made those things worse. After I binge, I feel lonely, insecure, inadequate, embarrassed, and countless other things. Not to mention that it would set me back on my weight loss journey. I am working my butt off to get to a healthy weight and I do not want to let a binge set me back. Last week, I am lucky that my binge did not set me too far back but I do not want to take that risk. Before I was trying to eat better again, I was bingeing mostly every day and that is what caused my weight to rise to a new high. I refuse to continue to go through this vicious cycle of eating well and then bingeing. Far too often for me, when I binge once, then I struggle a lot to get back on track. I cannot keep doing this to myself.

Most of my goals for this week are the same as last week. But I am also including to walk for 30 minutes every morning and to aim for 5,000 steps each day. It is amazing to me that not long ago I was struggling to get 2000 steps. Yes, my pain level is still the same as it was then but now I am not using it as an excuse. Currently, I am working toward getting back to 15,000+ steps each day. It is a slow process because my pain is fairly intense but I am hoping that once I find a helpful treatment with my doctor that I will be able to get back to that point.

Well, it is time to get to work on my school work. Until next time!

~Sara~

Frustrations

Hi, all!

Today has been rather ify. I started off the morning feeling fantastic because I had made it to 5 days binge free. And I will say that I am still binge free but there was a close call for a few hours earlier today. At around 10AM I went to submit some school work and I found out that I lost everything for this week and the next few weeks. I went into full panic mode and had a rough panic attack. Until around 12:30 I fought off a binge hard. By then I won the battle! I did not binge today and I am so freaking proud of myself. Day 6 binge free is almost complete and I cannot wait to write tomorrow that I am working on 1-week binge free. There have been a few times where I almost gave in today but my mindset is changing. I knew that binging would not change my situation, all of my work would still be lost and I would have just set myself back.

In addition to almost binging, something else that brought my day down some was the fact that I was finally able to weigh myself today. The number on the scale was appalling and I was not expecting it at all. Even thinking about it now is really hard...

Starting Weight: ??

Current Weight: 343.6

Pounds Lost: -

Well, there it is, I am being honest about all of this, even when it is difficult. It is no wonder why my wedding dress didn't fit. I thought that I was around the same weight but apparently I gained 15 pounds. This almost brought me to a binge but instead, I am using it as motivation. I will not let it control me anymore. Losing weight may help to ease some of my arthritis and fibromyalgia pain and that is something that I desperately want. It is difficult but I am determined to finally lose all of this weight and keep it off. 

I am still feeling somewhat down but I am trying to enjoy my evening. Here's to day 6 binge free. Until next time. 

~Sara~

Moving Forward in Recovery

 Hi, all!

It is another hot one here today, only two more days until this crazy heat ends. The end is in sight and 60-degree weather is on the horizon. I am so ready for that change because I hate the hot weather. Zak and I went outside for a few minutes this morning around 9 and it was already almost 80 degrees. I am so thankful that we have an air-conditioned house and vehicle.

I am happy to announce that I am officially 4 days binge free. There were different times yesterday where I was wondering if a binge would happen because my mind was fried. I had a panic attack and binges usually happen surrounding when I have a panic or anxiety attack. I am incredibly proud of myself for going this long without one because that has not happened since June. I am hoping that this means that I can continue to move forward with my recovery and not continuously take steps backward. I am excited that today is day 5 binge free, but today will be a challenge. We typically have family over for dinner on Sunday nights, which means there will be a bunch of food. Tonight, we will be grilling out with burgers, brats, and hotdogs. So, I have already done some pre-planning and put it in my food planner. Now I just need to stick to it and I will be good.

It has been really difficult for me since we do not have a working scale right now. We recently moved, so it has been packed away and it needs new batteries. Not being able to track my weight throughout this journey is a new experience for me. In some ways, it is refreshing because I am not so focused on the number on the scale but it would be nice to see my progress. I am hoping to get the scale set up sometime today so I can weigh-in tomorrow morning. I have not weighed myself in a while, so I am interested to see what it is now.

Well, I am off. I need to get some homework done before we have people over tonight. I hope you all have a wonderful day! Until next time.

~Sara~

This Journey is Personal

Hi, all!

It is another hot one here today so I will be spending most of my time inside. As my late post, yesterday stated, I did not binge! That is three days in a row without a binge and I am SO proud of myself! It has been a long time since I have not binged every day. Now I am going on day 4 binge free and I cannot wait to see what the day holds. After I took my walk this morning, I sat down and looked at my numbers from this week. Even with the binge on Tuesday, after my exercise calories and food, the deficit is 2635 calories. It could have been a lot more without the binge but I am counting this week as a win.

One thing that I realized this morning while I was walking is that I love making healthier food choices and working out. My body feels better when I do these things. Before it was hard to see these things because I was continuously fueling my body with tons of extra calories than necessary. All I would eat is high-calorie food, with very few fruits and vegetables. My body was craving something nutritious. Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect all the time and I still feed my body junk sometimes. Right now I'm eating a pint of Halo Top Mint Chip ice cream and I'm enjoying all 240 calories of it. But for dinner, I had some stead and peaches, which were absolutely scrumptious. In my nutritional plan, I will not deprive myself of anything. In my past experience, that is when I binge on those things that I want but do not give myself. All I can do is find a plan that works for me.

Well, it's getting late and I am going to finish enjoying my Halo Top Mint Chip ice cream, watching a movie, and spend some time with my husband. Until next time!

~Sara~

Day 3

Hi, all!

It was a scorcher today. I thought it was supposed to be fall now? Thankfully by the middle of next week, it is supposed to be in the 60's, let's hope it stays that way or cools off a little more. Yesterday was another busy day for us, Zak had an appointment right away and then we had to go to the
DMV to get my license changed. Plus, I began working on our thank you cards and did homework. Yesterday was generally a good day for me, I worked out and stayed within my calorie goal again. That is day 2 without a binge.

Moving on to today, it has been a good day. I saw my spinal specialist again for the arthritis and he is looking at doing another injection in my back. The first one I received did not offer any relief, unfortunately, but we are hopeful that this next one will be helpful. One thing that will also hopefully help the arthritis is losing weight. This is something that I am trying hard to stick with because it could reduce my pain. I am proud to admit that as of 7PM, I have not even had a desire to binge. This is day 3 and things are going well. I am so proud of myself. Another stride I made today is that I posted a quote on Instagram about recovering from an eating disorder. This is the first time I have posted publically where my friends and family can see it about my eating disorder. I am overwhelmed by the support that I received.

It is difficult for me to remember sometimes that I do not need as much food as I was having before. Smaller amounts can and will fill me up. My husband and I went to Subway for dinner and I ordered a sub. I ordered the footlong because that is my routine and I have only eaten half of it. I have may the other half later as my evening snack but it all fits into my calorie goal.

Until next time.

~Sara~